In my last post I wrote about developing a relationship vision, either with your partner, or if you are single, developing a vision of the type of relationship you would like to create in the future. The benefits of this are that you can become clearer about what your personal goals are, and together you can form relationship goals that you create, revise and renew within your partnership.
In this post, I am writing about core relationship needs. I will explain how you can identify your own core needs and align them with your relationship vision.
Dr Phil McGraw in his book Relationship Rescue identifies core needs under five categories. These categories of needs are emotional, physical, spiritual, social and security.
1. Emotional
Emotional needs include the need to feel loved, valued and a part of your partner’s life. They are about the need to be respected, special and accepted by your partner with all your flaws.
2. Physical
Physical needs include touching, caressing, hugging and holding. They also include non-verbal communication that lets you know that you are being loved and cared for. The need for a rewarding sexual life is also important and to be considered under physical needs.
3. Spiritual
This is about support and respect for your spiritual values and beliefs. This includes the need for a shared spiritual life, even if you have different spiritual beliefs.
4. Social
These needs are about calls, notes, letters or emails that acknowledge your relationship and the care and love you feel for one another. It also includes social activities with the need for appropriate tenderness, support and attention from your partner when you are in public. Sharing joy and laughter with your partner is another important social need.
5. Security
These needs are about feeling confident, support, loyalty and commitment from your partner. It is about the relationship not being at risk, even when you have disagreements. You feel confident that your partner is there for you in times of conflict with others. And you know that your partner is always a soft place for you to fall on.
Exercise
As an exercise, I encourage you to begin to get in touch with your core needs. Take a pen and paper and write down your needs under each of these categories. Don’t miss anything out. Write in a completely uncensored way, knowing that no one will ever read this.
What needs are you discovering? Which ones need to be included in your relationship vision?
Fear
Often what keeps you from meeting these needs is fear. You may fear risking being vulnerable, feeling inadequate, rejection, abandonment or disappointing your partner.
Write down another category of fear. List all your fears that get in the way of you having your core needs met.
Once you have completed this, you now have a list of areas that are your growing edges for personal growth. Whether you are single or have a partner, you will be clearer about what you need in a relationship and what gets in the way of having your needs met. As part of your relationship vision, you are developing clearer goals that you and your partner can head towards. This can give your relationship purpose and meaning.
Your next task is to see if your core relationship needs are in alignment with your relationship vision. If so, great! You are heading in the right direction to have your needs met. If not, consider what needs to change in your relationship vision, so that you can incorporate the needs that are essential for you. Once you bring your core needs and vision into alignment, you are on the path to creating an amazing relationship.
Send me your feedback about how you find this exercise. I love to hear about your struggles or success stories. Click on the comments tab below to leave me your feedback.
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After a week of incredible dust storms in Sydney and the problems we all had with our vision (and breathing!), it got me thinking about the difficulties we sometimes have with our vision in relationships. In my relationship counselling work with singles and couples, I often hear statements such as, “I just fell into this relationship and found out after 4 months we are not working” or, “He/she is not the person I thought they were and I want out” or, “I keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again and don’t seem to be able to find the right partner”. Another common statement is “I’m just not satisfied where my relationship is going and it feels like we are drifting apart.” If any of these statements ring true, then developing a relationship vision can help you.
