I recently volunteered for a charity day called Help-Portrait, which I found to be a surprisingly moving experience. This got me thinking about the power of giving and receiving love in our relationships- and the difficulties many people have with this. This post explores the joys and challenges of giving and receiving love in your intimate relationships.

Founded in 2009 by Celebrity Photographer Jeremy Cowart, Help-Portrait is a community of photographers coming together across the world to use their photography skills to give back to their local communities. What started out as a single event in the U.S. has exploded across the world with the event now being hosted in 56 countries and 1000 locations.

In essence, the way it works is photographers, editors, make-up artists, hair-stylists and other volunteers donate their time to create studio-quality portraits for members of the community who would not have the means to otherwise have such photos taken.

The premise is simple, but also powerful. My volunteer role on the day was to guide each family through the process of having their hair and make-up done, sitting for their portraits and then presenting them with their portraits once they were printed.

2011 Help-Portrait Sydney Volunteers

What I underestimated was the response from my guests on the day. Some of the guests had never worn make up, never had their hair done and most had never had a professional photo taken of them. What was so enjoyable was the look of joy on their faces as they received the portraits and then the expressions of gratitude to me and my colleagues for helping them throughout the day.

I was filled with a sense of happiness that I was part of a movement that was contributing to the self-esteem of these individuals. The love was completely contagious and even the most hard-hearted person would have been challenged not to be touched in some way on the day.

So let me bring this back to the issue of giving and receiving love in your relationships. When I think about the singles and couples I work with, I notice that many people are not always entirely comfortable with receiving love and/or giving love to another. There are many different blocks that can get in the way of you experiencing this powerful and essential emotion to be able to live a full and rewarding life.

What are the common blocks to giving and receiving love in your relationships?

There are many different factors involved in this, but some of the most common include:

• family of origin experiences around the expression of love
• previous relationship experiences of giving and receiving love
• loss of relationships and the consequential loss of love
• cultural influences on the expression of love
• the attachment style of the individual- meaning some people find it hard to reach out to others when they are in distress to receive love
• fear of rejection if you give love to another
• fear of unavoidable loss- all expressions of love involve a loss of some kind and at some point
• fears of feeling obligated- if I receive this love, do I have to return it?

So giving or receiving love can be a highly complex process to be negotiated by some individuals. And for others, it may be something that comes easily and without a second thought.

Ways to give love in your relationships

There are many ways that you can give love in your relationships. Here’s a short, but by no means exhaustive list:

• surprise a friend or partner with an unexpected gift
• inquire after someone who you know is going through a difficult time
• provide emotional support for your friend who is distressed from a life event
• listen carefully to your partner without responding, but making sure you fully understand what they are saying
• extending yourself for your friend or partner without the expectation it will be returned
• making a beautiful meal for your partner to say thanks for being there
• touching, stroking and hugging your partner
• remembering friends’ birthdays and making an effort to personally wish them well

I’m sure there are many things you could add to this list, as we all express love in different ways. While you may already do some of these things in your relationships, some people find many of these things difficult to do, and even feel confronted with the idea.

Common ways people block love in their relationships

There are many different ways that people block love in their relationships- sometimes completely outside of awareness. Here are the some of the most common things I see:

• deflecting a compliment by changing the subject
• not listening to positive feedback from a friend or partner by moving on quickly
• using humour to move the focus when they receive affection
• physically pulling away when someone moves towards, hugs or kisses
• stonewalling- cutting off or ignoring a friend or partner
• criticising a friend or partner
• being defensive when a friend or partner is taking a risk and opening up
• averting your eye gaze when someone is emotionally reaching out to you

Do you recognise any of these aspects within yourself? I think we all have done or do some of these things to block love in our relationships. Don’t beat yourself up for them, but start to notice and catch yourself deflecting the love that comes your way.

Ways to receive love in your relationships

So the next challenge if you are doing well giving love, is to check how are doing with receiving love. It’s much easier to say than do for many people.

Here are some tips for receiving love in your relationships:

1. When you receive a compliment, pause and then literally inhale so that you feel the goodness going inside of you
2. When you hear positive feedback about yourself, sit still and allow yourself to be with it. Then take a moment to feel what is being said- and say thank you.
3. If you notice you use humour to deflect the attention away, experiment with allowing the focus to be on you and experience whatever is there. If you feel uncomfortable, stay with this and continue to be curious about yourself.
4. When someone physically reaches out to you, allow yourself to surrender to their touch. Lean into the affection and breathe.
5. Practise feeling loving kindness towards yourself and catch yourself being self-critical. Turn critical thoughts into loving thoughts.
6. Practice loving kindness towards others- especially those people you don’t like.
7. When someone opens up to you, practise staying still and centred and allow yourself to receive this love, like a warm bath of sunshine.
8. Practise maintaining eye contact with people and notice when happens when you are able to not avert your gaze.

Through becoming aware of your own struggles with giving or receiving love, you can then see where your growing edges are. By working on becoming better in their area, you are opening yourself up to feeling this very important emotion allowing your relationship satisfaction with others to improve.

When do you find giving or receiving love difficult in your relationships? Share your thoughts in the comments box below.

Click below to watch a video on what Help-Portrait is.

© Clinton for Sydney Relationship & Couples Counselling, 2011. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: couple love, giving love, love, love in friendships, receiving love, relationship love

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In this short video, I describe what I see are the 3 most common couple communication problems that I see in my work with couples. I also give you 3 tips to avoid these communication issues in your relationship.

What couple communication problems would you add to these? Please write your comments in the box below.

© Clinton for Sydney Relationship & Couples Counselling, 2011. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: couple communication, couple communication success, couple conflict, marriage communication, marriage success, relationship listening, relationship problems

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Technology in our lives is exponentially growing in the amount of time we use it and what parts of our lives are helped by it. Technology has made our lives easier, helped us be more effective in our work and allowed us to connect with friends, family and colleagues across the world. However, often with rapid change, there is a cost. And far too often, relationships are suffering because of the effects of technology and how it dominates our world.

Whatever your position on technology, the simple facts are, we can’t avoid it. Technology is embedded into every part of our day, from the moment we wake up until we go to sleep at night. Unless you live in a cave, or somewhere very remote with no contact with others, we actually need technology to go about our day-to-day living.

Here are some of my thoughts on the problematic areas of technology in the realm of relationships.

Technology promotes connection AND disconnection

Don’t get me wrong, I love technology. In fact, a large part of my work and personal life involves using technology. From organising my work-life online, to communicating with friends and family on social networks, I can’t imagine life without it. However, with all the advances in technology to help us communicate faster, cheaper and clearer, many people are more lonely and isolated than ever before.

For some people, they can use technology to create psyeudo-connection. By this I mean a person can create the illusion or perception that they are very connected, engaged and vibrant, when the reality is they are anything but. This tends to happen when a person does all their engaging online, yet doesn’t meet with people in the offline world.

Unfortunately, I meet many people in my practice who are profoundly lonely, disconnected and isolated from others, yet by all appearances, are very connected with technology. They may have hundreds of Facebook friends or Twitter followers, yet their cries of loneliness go unheard.

The key here is to find a balance of connection online AND connection offline. I think technology is great to facilitate connection, but then take it into the real world, where something of substance can be developed.

Connection with technology can be shallow

Technology can help you initiate relationships and connect with people that you may not have been able to previously. This is a wonderful aspect of technology. I have met colleagues all over the world, and even become wonderful friends with some of them, all facilitated by technology.

But on the flip side, technology can promote superficial and shallow relationships. While you may have 350 Facebook friends, how many of them could you truly lean on in a time of crisis? The dilemma here is that while you may have many surface-level relationships with technology, you might be missing a couple of key people in your life that can really make a difference to you and your well-being.

It was only a number of decades ago that the only way you could connect with a friend was by picking up a phone or walking around to their house for a cup of tea and a chat. I think the mental health of people in those past decades was better, mostly because people connected in a real way; they connected in the flesh and were present with each other. You learned how to ask for help, reached out for support and gave a helping hand to your fellow neighbour.

Technology can mean instant gratification and lasting dissatisfaction

Technology has certainly promoted our culture of instant gratification and the need for fast and immediate satisfaction. If you buy something online, you now expect an instant email confirming all your purchase details and the ability to track the expedited delivery of your item. Or you download a movie and feel dismayed at having to wait 30 minutes (or more) for the download.

We live in a culture of desire, immediate need and instant gratification. However, what you may be losing is the ability to ‘chew things over.’ What I mean is developing the ability to reflect on yourself and others and then taking your time to make a decision.

One of the areas I see this play out in relationships is the couple that have an instant connection and rapport, and then fast-forward their relationship to moving in, marriage and/or having kids. They haven’t taken the time to get to know one another and allow things to unfold in a natural and organic way. As a result, they often find they have rushed into a relationship without fully knowing someone.

This entire process is often supported by the instant communication and always-ready-and-available position that technology allows.

What’s helpful to remember here is that even though your technology can help you communicate at light speed, you, as a human being, might need more time to work out what you want and how you want it. Slow yourself down, take time out to reflect and support yourself in making sound decisions that will impact you greatly in the future.

The culture of ‘busy me’ leads to a disconnected ‘we’

We live in a time of unparalleled busyness. Technology allow us to be instantly connected and tuned-in at all times to others. With the emergence of smartphones, it now means we are almost never away from our work email, friends updates, text messages and notifications of the location of family.

All this busyness has an impact on the ‘I’ and the ‘we’ of our relationships. You maybe working harder than you ever have, you’re more connected  to work, friends and family than you thought was possible, but the real question is, how connected are you to yourself and your partner?

When was the last time you had a meal together with no distractions? A night you didn’t play on your iPhone or read your iPad in bed? Or a day without technology for that matter? No phones, sms, iPad, emails, DVDs, TV or computers? If that sounds like a strange idea, you’re not alone. Being connected to technology at all hours of the day has become the modern-day disease.

Try having a technology-free day or (gasp!) weekend. See what it’s like to not be connected to your friends, or checking your email 30 times a day. Notice what else is in your life when you take technology away. You might be surprised by what you discover.

What’s your experience of how technology effects your relationship? Please leave your comments below.

© Clinton for Sydney Relationship & Couples Counselling, 2011. | Permalink | 2 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: relationship communication, relationship dangers, relationship how-to, relationship tips

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Thanks to Rick Hanson who, inspired me write about these tips that he spoke of at his ‘Neurodharma of Love and Power’ workshop in Sydney, May 2011.

Assertiveness is one of those foundational communication skills required in any successful relationship. There is often a lot of talk about being assertive in your communication, but not many people truly understand the nuances of this skill. In this post, I flesh out all the components of assertiveness so that you can communicate clearly and effectively

1. Keep your eye on the prize ( what’s your intention?).

I’m sure we’ve all been guilty of initiating a conversation or raising an issue without much forethought. You know the discussions where you just start talking without a plan, or worse still, you blurt out the issue you have been sitting on only when your partner raises a separate issue (also known as piggy-backing).

When you initiate a discussion or raise an issue, the outcome will almost always be better for both parties when you ‘keep your eye on the prize.’ Don’t lose sight of what you are wanting to express or have known. Consider your intention before you begin and hold onto that, especially when the going gets tough.

And if your intention is about you expressing something about yourself, (I feel, I thought, I imagined…), then your prospects for a good outcome are significantly higher.

Communication tip: Consider what’s your intention before entering into any challenging conversation. Keep your eye on the prize and don’t let it waver, particularly when the stakes are high.

2. Lose battles to win wars.

This reminds me of my favourite saying ‘you can be right, or you can be in relationship.’ It’s human nature to want to be right. We get a sense of righteous pleasure, or feel superior and better-than. But when it comes to relationships and communication, if you’re fixed on being right, you are guaranteed a lose-lose outcome.

Lose battles to win wars means consider letting go of your need to be right in favour of your bigger picture. Your big picture may include wanting a harmonious relationship, supporting your partner’s desires or creating a compassionate, warm and loving relationship.

Communication tip: When you hold on to the big picture, the small battles lose their importance.

3. Ground your communication in empathy, compassion and love.

I learned in my post-graduate studies that assertiveness was communicating in a way where you treat the other as an equal, not less than or better than yourself. This made sense to me, but it was missing something.

Empathy, compassion and love bring a whole new dimension to your relationships when you hold these intentions in the background of your communication. They help you ‘tune-in’ to the other, feel the person behind the eyes and relate with openness that’s an outcome of feeling love for the other.

Communication tip: Open yourself up to the other by feeling your own empathy, compassion and love for yourself. Paradoxically, this frees you up to feel these things for your partner.

4. Practice unilateral virtue.

Living with virtue is about being congruent with your own moral code and living your code in your day-to-day interactions.

When it comes to relationships, consider the code or values that you believe in or feel strongly about. Practicing unilateral virtue is then about the simplicity of living that code, even in the face of provocation. It’s unilateral, because you alone take responsibility for living by the values that you find meaningful and virtuous.

Communication tip: Take time to reflect on your own relationship virtues. Then practice unilateral virtue when you are deeply triggered or provoked by another.

5. Communicate for yourself, not to change others.

This is one of the most common communication issues I see in my work with couples. Many couples get stuck in their relationships by communicating with a goal of having their partner change.

The problem with this style of communication is that before you even begin to discuss an issue, you are setting up a pattern where the listener will have to defend themself. This often leads to escalating and competing messages where no-one gets heard and everyone loses.

Change your mindset to enter a conversation with the goal of discovering something new about YOURSELF and allowing yourself to be known.

Communication tip: Use this formula: When I hear/see X, I feel Y, because I need Z…and I request…

6. Communicate with dignity and gravity.

I like this step because it reminds me of how empowered I can feel when I communicate with dignity and gravity. The essence of this step is about truly being for yourself. This means that you support, value and encourage yourself, even when you are being deeply triggered by another.

When you enter into communication while being an advocate for YOUR wants, needs, thoughts, feelings and desires, the likelihood of being heard is much greater. What’s more, your message is given the value and respect that it deserves.

Communication tip: Be your own greatest advocate when communicating what’s important for you. Communicating with dignity and gravity gives a weight to the message you are sending and will be received in that way.

7. Listen for the deepest wants and desires.

When you communicate with assertiveness, it’s a two-way process. Your partner receiving the message will respond, and this gives you an opportunity to listen in a different way.

As you listen to the response, go beyond the content you are hearing and listen for the deepest wants and desires that are embedded in the message. Don’t get caught up in the details, but go deeper into the message and pick up what’s not being said.

Not only will this help you step out of your own reactivity, but it’s likely you’ll pick up on important information that is not being spoken. You can then address these wants and desires together, which promotes a greater sense of connection.

Communication tip: Move beyond the content you are hearing and tap into the deeper wants and desires of your partner. Ultimately, this is of more significance than what you are hearing.

8. Focus on ‘from now on.’

Another common pitfall couples fall into is constantly bringing up the past and rehashing it in the present. When something is unresolved, it will continue to re-surface between you. It’s nature’s way of saying that there is unfinished business requiring attention.

However, if you constantly draw on material from the past, you are unwittingly injuring each other by causing distress and hurt to your partner. Your focus on the past is getting in the way of staying in the present and moving into your future.

Communication tip: Address unfinished situations and then focus on ‘from now on’, so that you move your focus to the future and create plans for positive interactions.

9. Make clear plans and agreements.

This might seem like a no-brainer, but many couples forget to make clear plans and agreements once they have expressed themselves.

Once you have communicated with assertiveness and incorporated the steps above, it’s important that you each agree on what outcomes you would like and what you both agree to.

This is an important step, because it consolidates all the other steps and gives a concrete resolution to your communication. Without this step, it’s easily to each leave the conversation and not be sure of what was achieved.

Communication tip: Once you have communicated with assertiveness, step back and look at the big picture of what outcomes you can both agree to. Make these agreements clear and simple, so there are no doubts between you.

10. If appropriate, negotiate solutions.

Not every assertive conversation needs or should have a solution. If your communication opens up the possibility of a solution make sure there is space to discuss one.

However, many couples fall into the trap of moving to solutions too quickly, and negate the important steps of listening, understanding and validating.  Make sure you engage in these practices before negotiating possible solutions, to facilitate resolution of the issue.

Communication tip: Don’t rush to solutions, but don’t ignore them if one is needed. Focus on understanding, listening and validating, before negotiating a solution that is agreeable to both parties.

What’s your experience of communication in your relationship? Do you have any other communication tips to add to these? If so, add them in the comments section below.

© Clinton for Sydney Relationship & Couples Counselling, 2011. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Assertive Communication, Assertiveness, Communication, Communication Tips, couple communication, Healthy Relationships, Relationship Success, relationship tips

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For those of you that might not know, I was a classical musician for close to 20 years before I became a full-time relationship counsellor. I was a trumpet player and performed opera and symphonic music with Australian and international orchestras and managed to see a lot of the world on musical tours.

It was an exciting career, full of great performances, high stress and anxiety, enormous highs and sometimes big lows, but mostly it was enormously rewarding to make music with fine musicians every day of the week.

While I no longer perform, it got me thinking that there are a lot of parallels between being a musician and what’s required to create a successful relationship. Here’s what I think classical music and creating a successful relationship have in common.

They both involve listening.

The foundation of being a great musician is listening. When I was playing in the symphony orchestra, I had to listen with every cell in my body. I was listening for other sections of the music, listening for the quality and volume of the sound and then listening to my own sound and constantly adjusting and modifying to create an overall beautiful quality of sound.

Now in relationships, listening is vastly underrated and almost always under-utilised. Most people just listen in the half-baked way where you are formulating what to say while the other person is speaking. This is the I’m-waiting-to-speak approach as opposed to I’m-listening-reflecting-and-absorbing what you are saying. The question to ask yourself is: Are you truly listening or just waiting to speak?

Relationship Tip: When you work on improving your listening in any relationship you will immediately begin to reap the rewards. The other person feels heard, validated and acknowledged. What’s more, they will likely be even more interested in your perspective once they feel heard.

They both involve getting in tune.

An essential part of being a musician, but even more so for a classical musician is the skill of playing in tune. A large part of my profession was about improving my intonation, so that I could play in tune with myself and then match the pitch of other musicians I was playing with. It involved developing a finely nuanced ability to listen to my sound and then match it to the sound of others.

Now there is a nice metaphor here for relationships. An essential skill that all people need to develop in a relationship is the ability to connect and ‘tune in’ to our partners. Another word for this is attunement. If you are not sure what attunement is, watch a mother spending some quiet time with her newborn child. This attunement between mother and child is a necessity for the health and growth of the baby. It also applies to relationships that flourish.

Relationship Tip: The more you ‘tune in’ to your own wants and needs, as well as your partner’s, you are on track for creating an extraordinary relationship.

They both require team work.

Playing in a symphony orchestra taught me about team work. I had to always be in sync with my colleagues, not only in the brass section where I played, but right across the orchestra. If I had an exposed entry, I had to connect and work in tandem with the other instruments I was playing with. This often required verbal and non-verbal communication about how best to do this, and at times it wasn’t easy.

In a successful relationship you need to work as a team. The more you can communicate about your wants, needs and desires, the greater the chance you have of having them met. Remember, your partner is not a mindreader. So many couples I see expect that their partner should know what’s important to them. What’s more, when you are working as a team, you can more flexibly give and take in the relationship.

Relationship Tip: Spend time together and communicate about what’s important to you, your wants, needs and desires, so that your partner doesn’t have to guess. This then frees you both up to support each other in times of stress.

They both need to start with the end in mind.

Another essential element of being a classical music performer was being able to start with the end in mind. This was about creating a vision for the performance; a positive aural formulation of what the performance would sound like. I learned the hard way when I negatively focused on all the things that could possibly go wrong in a performance. And they usually did.

The same applies to creating a successful relationship. You need to create a relationship vision together. This is a picture of the type of relationship you aspire to and want to create together. It includes your values, dreams, hopes and aspirations for the future. It’s like having a map of the future.

We all know when we have a map it’s more likely we will get to our destination. And in the words of my ‘Divorce Busting’ colleague Michele Weiner-Davis, “When you aim at nothing, you hit it 100% of the time.”

Relationship Tip: Think about the type of relationship you want to create together. Each make a list of positive statements about the relationship you aspire to have. Then compare your lists and decide which ones you agree on. This then becomes your relationship vision.

They both require hard work.

Now I can assure you I didn’t become a professional musician overnight. I spent years and years of practicing on my own for hours a day. The old adage “you’re only as good as your last performance” was especially true, and always a motivator for practicing consistently over long periods of time. But of course the rewards were great. There was nothing as euphoric as completing a successful performance and experiencing the gratitude of a concert hall applauding all our hard work.

If there was one myth I wish I could dispel, it would be the myth that “A successful relationship should be easy.” Successful relationships are not easy. They take time, hard work, commitment and your investment of emotional energy. However, like being a classical musician, the rewards are great. For those that put in the hard work, they can appreciate all the wonderful benefits of being in a relationship where each partner is equally invested in themselves and the relationship.

Relationship Tip: Spend time with your partner, commit to communicating about any issues between you and regularly check-in with how you are both doing. Remember, like most things in life, you get back what you put in.

Do you have any relationship tips for creating a successful relationship? Add them below in the comments section.

© Clinton for Sydney Relationship & Couples Counselling, 2011. | Permalink | 6 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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The title of this post is a little provocative. You may be wondering ‘why would I want to know how to ruin a relationship?’ While it is helpful to know what does work (...)
Read the rest of 10 Surefire Ways to Ruin Your Relationship (1,084 words)

© Clinton for Sydney Relationship & Couples Counselling, 2010. | Permalink | 4 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: couple communication, relationship breakdown, relationship help, Relationship Success, relationship tips

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As ‘spring has sprung’, well at least in the Southern Hemisphere, it has got me thinking about spring cleaning. For me, spring cleaning has always been an opportunity to go through all those old cupboards, drawers and wardrobes to clear out the junk, make new space and organise your contents. It’s a great feeling when you do this and your life can work so much better after a spring clean!

This got me thinking about relationships and wondering, how often do people actually consider having a ‘spring clean’ of their relationship?

So firstly, what might be the signs that your relationship needs a spring clean?

Your relationship might need a spring clean if:

• you notice that you wake in the morning and go to bed at night having only communicated about housekeeping issues throughout the day
• you are staying at work to avoid coming home and dealing with relationship problems
• you focus most your energy into your kids and their wellbeing with little left for your partner
• you avoid sex or even situations where your partner might want sex with you
• you are both stressed, tired and grumpy and fight more than enjoy each others company
• the same issues keep coming up again and again and never get resolved
• you notice you often feel critical and resentful of your partner
• the joy and happiness has gone out of your relationship and feeling irritable has become the norm

If you are relating to some of these scenarios, it may be time for a relationship spring clean.

Unlike cleaning your cupboards where you can accomplish that task on your own, a relationship spring clean will take the efforts of both of you engaged in improving the way you relate.

Tips for Having a Relationship Spring Clean:

1. Identify what areas need to improve

Start by identifying where are the problem areas, complaints or dissatisfactions that either or both of you are experiencing. Sit down and make a list so that you can begin to form a strategy for making changes.

Sometimes just the process of sitting down together and acknowledging the problem areas in your relationship can make a difference, even before you make changes. This is called the paradoxical theory of change i.e. change comes from acknowledging ‘what is’.

2. Commit to making concrete changes in your behaviour

Once you have your lists of problem areas, consider what are each of you willing to change within yourself to improve your relationship. This is a really important step because you are not asking your partner to change! You are letting your partner know what YOU are willing to change and commit to improving.

Most couples get stuck in a cycle of trying to change their partner. It is a myth that if your partner changes that you will be happy. Shift the focus to what you can stop doing and start doing instead. You may be amazed at the results. Take 100% responsibility for all your actions and reactions and see what happens to your relationship

3. Make yourselves accountable to the changes you commit to

This is where most couples fall down. They commit to making changes but have no strategies in place for making themselves accountable.

When you make your commitment for change, also include how you going to make yourself accountable. One easy way to do this is to be very clear about the changes you are making and have your partner give you feedback if you are not making those changes.

4. Regularly check in with your progress and give feedback

As part of your accountability in making relationship changes, you need to have regular check-ins to monitor progress. This is where each of you share how you think you are going with your own changes. Your partner will also give you feedback as to what changes they are noticing and how they are feeling in the relationship.

Beware! This is not an opportunity to blame, criticise or ‘dump’ on your partner because they have not met your expectations for change. Remember, this is a team effort and you want to be a cheerleader for the changes that your partner is making and visa versa.

5. Seek the services of a professional relationship counsellor

Sometimes in a relationship, blame, criticism or defensiveness has become so ingrained that it is not possible to use these behavioural strategies to initiate change.

It is then that it is important to reach out for professional help to guide you through identifying the negative patterns and creating positive patterns. Asking for professional support is not a sign of defeat or weakness, but rather an acknowledgement of how much you care about the relationship and each other. You are putting your relationship first by learning the tools to make it even better.

6. Make your relationship spring clean an annual ritual

We all go to the dentist, doctor and have our cars serviced regularly. Why not have a relationship spring clean on an annual basis? Establishing such rituals can only make your relationship stronger and more robust. You are also attending to each other with the care and respect that brought you together at the beginning.

A relationship spring clean is an opportunity to clear out the dirt and dust and bring in light, love and a fresh approach to how you relate.

I’d love to hear about any relationship spring cleaning ideas you have that you would like to do on an annual basis. Please leave your comments below.

© Clinton for Sydney Relationship & Couples Counselling, 2010. | Permalink | 4 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: couples communication, good relating, healthy relationship, relationship help, Relationship Success, relationship tips

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I am  amazed at how many couples I now see that report to me that their relationship commenced online. It seems that what was once an unusual occurrence is now becoming the norm. Many people prefer the convenience of perusing online profiles rather than standing in noisy bars and clubs to meet potential partners.

I have seen many couples that have created a great relationship from meeting their partner online. And I have also seen many singles that find online dating is a merry-go-round of disappointing connections and dates that go nowhere.  I have devoted this post to providing information that may assist you in navigating some of the pitfalls of love in the online world.

1. Have a profile that reflects who you are and what you stand for

One of the biggest time wasters online is having a profile that is vague, old or downright dishonest. We have all heard of scenarios where people use photos from 10 years ago or describe themselves in a way other than they are. Dishonesty will probably always be a part of the online world, however, you can take a stand for who you are and what you believe.

Think of your profile as a relationship business card. You will attract what you put out there, so think clearly about what you are looking for and be honest and upfront. It is much more likely that you will attract people that are looking for the same thing.

2. Fast connections don’t have to mean fast relationships

Frequently I see couples that speed into a relationship with one another without taking the time to get to know each other. We now live in a fast-paced world where anything we want or need is at our fingertips and available on the internet. However, no matter how excited, passionate or ‘in love’ you feel about a new relationship, it does take time to get to know a person.

The other pattern I see is when a person becomes a serial dater. By this I mean they become adept at connecting online and dating many people, however, they never get past a second or third date because they lose interest. This fast food love is exactly that; they get a ‘quick fix’ from the initial excitement of meeting someone new, and then quickly move on when there is the possibility of going deeper. If this is you, you may want to consider what are your blocks to getting to know someone a little deeper, and perhaps even experiencing emotional intimacy.

3. Take time to reveal and discover

Take your time to reveal yourself and to let your new date reveal themselves. Part of the joy of a new relationship is the gradual deepening and getting to know your partner. When this process is rushed or big commitments are made early on, you have not had the time to invest in building a solid foundation for your relationship to rest upon. I am reminded of the phrase; ‘don’t push the river, it flows by itself.’

Relationships have a life of their own and it is important to respect the natural pace and unfolding that is needed to create a strong and secure relationship. When you take this approach to your new relationship, you are less likely to regret rash decisions and you can then relax and enjoy this lovely time of your relationship.

4. Be clear, respectful and honest in your communications

As I have written in another post about ending relationships online, it is vital that you communicate with others as you would like them to communicate with you. Unfortunately, the relative anonymity of the web and the convenience of not having to communicate face-to-face has meant that many people now start and end relationships online with little consideration for the feelings of the other.

If you are clear, respectful and honest in all your interactions with your online dates, you will not only avoid possible relationship breakdown, but will also be encouraging others to do the same. As a rule of thumb, if you imagine you would be comfortable saying what you are typing face-to-face, then there is a good chance that the communication is respectful.

5. Stay connected to the real world

As amazing as the internet has become for connecting with others and facilitating new relationships, don’t forget to stay connected with your world outside of the internet.

It is easy to immerse yourself in reading dating profiles for hours and hours and perhaps not even meeting anyone, or feeling too nervous to set up that first date. Try to avoid endless messaging back and forth by asking to meet in-person in a public place that is safe and secure, so that you can get a good sense of the person in the real world.

Also, be careful not to neglect your real-world friends and family. Work to strike a balance between online interactions and spending relaxing and enjoyable times with those that you care about. The more that you can be present with those offline, will only enhance your overall happiness and life satisfaction.

I would love to hear about any tips that you have found helpful in the world of online dating. Add your comments in the box below.

© Clinton for Sydney Relationship & Couples Counselling, 2010. | Permalink | 2 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: dating, online dating, online relationships, relationship communication, Relationship Success, relationship tips

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More and more we are hearing in the media about relationship problems that involve Facebook. In particular, it seems it is the end of a relationship where interactions can deteriorate on Facebook.

In my clinical practice I am hearing about behaviours such as jealousy, spying, cyber-stalking, public shaming, open hostility and conflict being displayed on Facebook when a relationship ends.

The beginning and ending of  relationships are often announced on Facebook. What was once in the personal domain is now becoming public. Information that once belonged to a family or a small community is now aired for anyone on the web to access.

The world of the web 2.0 is now facilitating behaviours in relationships that were previously not possible. Open networks such as Twitter and Facebook mean that it is now possible to follow and spy on your partner’s conversations, connections and monitor the activities of others.

While these behaviours are not engaged in by everyone, there are those that are more prone to jealousy and insecurity that will be tempted to monitor others.

Unhealthy behaviours that can occur at the end of a relationship on Facebook:

• spying or monitoring the interactions of your  ex-partner
• accessing your ex-partner’s account without their knowledge
• using a friend’s profile to monitor your ex-partner’s activities
• writing public posts insulting ex-partners
• publicly shaming an ex-partner in your feed
• sharing inappropriate content about an ex-partner
• aggressively attacking an ex-partner in a public post

If you engage in any of the above behaviours, you may be at risk of damaging your past, present and future relationships, as well as your professional career.

What many people forget is that once a status update has been made, it is in the public domain and out of your control. There is now evidence that even if a post is deleted, that it is never deleted from the Facebook servers that constantly back-up all content.

Tips for navigating the end of a relationship on Facebook:

DO NOT END A RELATIONSHIP VIA A STATUS UPDATE

It may seem like the easy way out of a relationship, however, ending a relationship on Facebook is disrespectful and damaging to both parties. It is important to develop the skill of differentiation. This is the ability to regulate your own emotions in the face of anxiety, stress and emotional intensity. This is an important skill that couples need to develop to sustain long-term relationships.

I suggest you begin to develop your ‘differentiation muscle’ by ending relationships face-to-face. You will be conducting yourself with dignity as well as developing a crucial relationship skill.

AVOID DEFAMATORY REMARKS ABOUT AN EX-PARTNER

As I mentioned in a previous post on relationship break-down, imagine that whatever you write on Facebook has the potential to never go away. This means that even when you apply for that new job in 5 or 10 years, defamatory remarks can potentially be accessed by any future employer who searches for you. Once you put this on Facebook you have no control over the content, what happens to it and who may see it.

If you are feeling angry about the end of your relationship, seek solace with family, friends or the support of a professional relationship counsellor.

DO NOT SPY ON YOUR EX-PARTNER

Unfortunately, one of the downsides of Facebook is that it is very easy to spy and monitor others. Consider what will be the benefits of spying on your ex. Generally there are none.

Spying on ex-partners will often deepen the hurt you feel about the end of the relationship. It also means you are not helping the closure that is needed at the end of a relationship. In the end, it means you are often distressing and hurting yourself more than anyone else.

Think about how you can end the relationship with poise and dignity and allow yourself the time you need to heal and recover.

AVOID ENGAGING IN PUBLIC SHAMING AND CONFLICT

Again, there are no positive outcomes from publicly fighting or shaming your ex via Facebook. Often the outcome is that you are looked upon more poorly by your friends as someone that is vindictive and spiteful. In airing your ‘dirty laundry’, you have turned a personal and private difficulty into a very public issue that may have the potential to come back and affect your reputation at another time.

Address your ex directly if you have an outstanding issue that needs to be resolved. If you are unable to do that, turn to your friends and family for support in coming to a closure that is workable for you.

CONDUCT THE END OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT

When a relationship ends, it is a painful time for both partners. It is often a huge loss and a time of deep personal hurts. It may be tempting to lash out and re-direct your hurt about your ex on Facebook. I encourage you to resist the temptation and to conduct yourself with dignity and respect.

While there may be a short term gain of feeling better about lashing out at your ex, in the end you are disrespecting yourself. You also have the potential to harm your own reputation with your friends, your workplace and within your community.

I am interested in hearing about your experiences of Facebook in regard to the ending of a relationship. Please post your comments in the box below.

© Clinton for Sydney Relationship & Couples Counselling, 2010. | Permalink | 4 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Communication, couple communication, differentiation, facebook, relationship endings, Relationship Success, Social Media

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One of the patterns I have noticed in the couples I have been working with lately is that they engage in ‘relationship exits’.

A relationship exit can be described as when one partner acts out their feelings instead of communicating about what is happening for them in a way that is respectful and promotes connection rather than disconnection. Any behaviour that has you reducing your involvement in the relationship is as an exit.

It can be valuable to identify what are the exits you use in your relationship to avoid connection, communication and intimacy. Once you identify these exits, you can then increase the energy and intimacy in your relationship by communicating your thoughts and feelings, rather than avoiding your partner by engaging in activities or behaviours that are more pleasurable for you to do.

Which Relationship Exits Do You Use?

• working long hours and weekends
• staying on the computer for extended periods of time
• watching TV
• cleaning the house or car
• hanging out with friends
• over-eating
• spending too much time on your iPhone/smartphone
• sleeping more than is needed
• playing sports
• immersing yourself in internet pornography
• constant playing of computer games
• focusing on the children

Of course, not all exits are a problem and many are a functional and necessary part of life. Ask yourself the question, ‘do I use these behaviours to avoid my partner and the relationship?’

Often relationship exits come about because one or both partners struggle with the skill of differentiation. This is the ability to ‘hold onto yourself’ in the face of conflict, disagreement or feelings of fear and anxiety. It is an essential skill that needs to be developed in couples, so they can manage their own emotions, even when their partner cannot.

A relationship exit is often a way of avoiding differentiation. It is a short term solution for a longer term problem. As long as a couple avoids differentiation and the working through of issues, the relationship cannot grow and move forward.

Relationship Experiment:

1. Each create a list of all the exits that you use to avoid your relationship and then consider which ones you are willing to modify and which ones you will find difficult.
2. Share your list with your partner and discuss how these relationship exits affect each other.
3. Negotiate with each other which behaviours you are willing to modify.
4. Check in with each other after 2 weeks to give feedback as to how the other has gone with closing their relationship exits.
5. Keep each other accountable and give feedback when you notice your partner, or yourself, engaging in relationship exits.

What other relationship exits are you aware of? Please add your thoughts in the comments box below.

© Clinton for Sydney Relationship & Couples Counselling, 2010. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: couple communication, couple success, relationship exits, relationship experiment, relationship help, relationship intimacy

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