I am  amazed at how many couples I now see that report to me that their relationship commenced online. It seems that what was once an unusual occurrence is now becoming the norm. Many people prefer the convenience of perusing online profiles rather than standing in noisy bars and clubs to meet potential partners.

I have seen many couples that have created a great relationship from meeting their partner online. And I have also seen many singles that find online dating is a merry-go-round of disappointing connections and dates that go nowhere.  I have devoted this post to providing information that may assist you in navigating some of the pitfalls of love in the online world.

1. Have a Profile That Reflects Who You Are and What You Stand For

One of the biggest time wasters online is having a profile that is vague, old or downright dishonest. We have all heard of scenarios where people use photos from 10 years ago or describe themselves in a way other than they are. Dishonesty will probably always be a part of the online world, however, you can take a stand for who you are and what you believe.

Think of your profile as a relationship business card. You will attract what you put out there, so think clearly about what you are looking for and be honest and upfront. It is much more likely that you will attract people that are looking for the same thing.

2. Fast Connections Don’t Have to Mean Fast Relationships

Frequently I see couples that speed into a relationship with one another without taking the time to get to know each other. We now live in a fast-paced world where anything we want or need is at our fingertips and available on the internet. However, no matter how excited, passionate or ‘in love’ you feel about a new relationship, it does take time to get to know a person.

The other pattern I see is when a person becomes a serial dater. By this I mean they become adept at connecting online and dating many people, however, they never get past a second or third date because they lose interest. This fast food love is exactly that; they get a ‘quick fix’ from the initial excitement of meeting someone new, and then quickly move on when there is the possibility of going deeper. If this is you, you may want to consider what are your blocks to getting to know someone a little deeper, and perhaps even experiencing emotional intimacy.

3. Take Time to Reveal and Discover

Take your time to reveal yourself and to let your new date reveal themselves. Part of the joy of a new relationship is the gradual deepening and getting to know your partner. When this process is rushed or big commitments are made early on, you have not had the time to invest in building a solid foundation for your relationship to rest upon. I am reminded of the phrase; ‘don’t push the river, it flows by itself.’

Relationships have a life of their own and it is important to respect the natural pace and unfolding that is needed to create a strong and secure relationship. When you take this approach to your new relationship, you are less likely to regret rash decisions and you can then relax and enjoy this lovely time of your relationship.

4. Be Clear, Respectful and Honest in Your Communications

As I have written in another post about ending relationships online, it is vital that you communicate with others as you would like them to communicate with you. Unfortunately, the relative anonymity of the web and the convenience of not having to communicate face-to-face has meant that many people now start and end relationships online with little consideration for the feelings of the other.

If you are clear, respectful and honest in all your interactions with your online dates, you will not only avoid possible relationship breakdown, but will also be encouraging others to do the same. As a rule of thumb, if you imagine you would be comfortable saying what you are typing face-to-face, then there is a good chance that the communication is respectful.

5. Stay Connected to the Real World

As amazing as the internet has become for connecting with others and facilitating new relationships, don’t forget to stay connected with your world outside of the internet.

It is easy to immerse yourself in reading dating profiles for hours and hours and perhaps not even meeting anyone, or feeling too nervous to set up that first date. Try to avoid endless messaging back and forth by asking to meet in-person in a public place that is safe and secure, so that you can get a good sense of the person in the real world.

Also, be careful not to neglect your real-world friends and family. Work to strike a balance between online interactions and spending relaxing and enjoyable times with those that you care about. The more that you can be present with those offline, will only enhance your overall happiness and life satisfaction.

I would love to hear about any tips that you have found helpful in the world of online dating. Please add your comments in the box below.

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More and more we are hearing in the media about relationship problems that involve Facebook. In particular, it seems it is the end of a relationship where interactions can deteriorate on Facebook.

In my clinical practice I am hearing about behaviours such as jealousy, spying, cyber-stalking, public shaming, open hostility and conflict being displayed on Facebook when a relationship ends.

The beginning and ending of  relationships are often announced on Facebook. What was once in the personal domain is now becoming public. Information that once belonged to a family or a small community is now aired for anyone on the web to access.

The world of the web 2.0 is now facilitating behaviours in relationships that were previously not possible. Open networks such as Twitter and Facebook mean that it is now possible to follow and spy on your partner’s conversations, connections and monitor the activities of others.

While these behaviours are not engaged in by everyone, there are those that are more prone to jealousy and insecurity that will be tempted to monitor others.

Unhealthy behaviours that can occur at the end of a relationship on Facebook:

• spying or monitoring the interactions of your  ex-partner
• accessing your ex-partner’s account without their knowledge
• using a friend’s profile to monitor your ex-partner’s activities
• writing public posts insulting ex-partners
• publicly shaming an ex-partner in your feed
• sharing inappropriate content about an ex-partner
• aggressively attacking an ex-partner in a public post

If you engage in any of the above behaviours, you may be at risk of damaging your past, present and future relationships, as well as your professional career.

What many people forget is that once a status update has been made, it is in the public domain and out of your control. There is now evidence that even if a post is deleted, that it is never deleted from the Facebook servers that constantly back-up all content.

Tips for navigating the end of a relationship on Facebook:

DO NOT END A RELATIONSHIP VIA A STATUS UPDATE

It may seem like the easy way out of a relationship, however, ending a relationship on Facebook is disrespectful and damaging to both parties. It is important to develop the skill of differentiation. This is the ability to regulate your own emotions in the face of anxiety, stress and emotional intensity. This is an important skill that couples need to develop to sustain long-term relationships.

I suggest you begin to develop your ‘differentiation muscle’ by ending relationships face-to-face. You will be conducting yourself with dignity as well as developing a crucial relationship skill.

AVOID DEFAMATORY REMARKS ABOUT AN EX-PARTNER

As I mentioned in a previous post on relationship break-down, imagine that whatever you write on Facebook has the potential to never go away. This means that even when you apply for that new job in 5 or 10 years, defamatory remarks can potentially be accessed by any future employer who searches for you. Once you put this on Facebook you have no control over the content, what happens to it and who may see it.

If you are feeling angry about the end of your relationship, seek solace with family, friends or the support of a professional relationship counsellor.

DO NOT SPY ON YOUR EX-PARTNER

Unfortunately, one of the downsides of Facebook is that it is very easy to spy and monitor others. Consider what will be the benefits of spying on your ex. Generally there are none.

Spying on ex-partners will often deepen the hurt you feel about the end of the relationship. It also means you are not helping the closure that is needed at the end of a relationship. In the end, it means you are often distressing and hurting yourself more than anyone else.

Think about how you can end the relationship with poise and dignity and allow yourself the time you need to heal and recover.

AVOID ENGAGING IN PUBLIC SHAMING AND CONFLICT

Again, there are no positive outcomes from publicly fighting or shaming your ex via Facebook. Often the outcome is that you are looked upon more poorly by your friends as someone that is vindictive and spiteful. In airing your ‘dirty laundry’, you have turned a personal and private difficulty into a very public issue that may have the potential to come back and affect your reputation at another time.

Address your ex directly if you have an outstanding issue that needs to be resolved. If you are unable to do that, turn to your friends and family for support in coming to a closure that is workable for you.

CONDUCT THE END OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT

When a relationship ends, it is a painful time for both partners. It is often a huge loss and a time of deep personal hurts. It may be tempting to lash out and re-direct your hurt about your ex on Facebook. I encourage you to resist the temptation and to conduct yourself with dignity and respect.

While there may be a short term gain of feeling better about lashing out at your ex, in the end you are disrespecting yourself. You also have the potential to harm your own reputation with your friends, your workplace and within your community.

I am interested in hearing about your experiences of Facebook in regard to the ending of a relationship. Please post your comments in the box below.

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One of the patterns I have noticed in the couples I have been working with lately is that they engage in ‘relationship exits’.

A relationship exit can be described as when one partner acts out their feelings instead of communicating about what is happening for them in a way that is respectful and promotes connection rather than disconnection. Any behaviour that has you reducing your involvement in the relationship is as an exit.

It can be valuable to identify what are the exits you use in your relationship to avoid connection, communication and intimacy. Once you identify these exits, you can then increase the energy and intimacy in your relationship by communicating your thoughts and feelings, rather than avoiding your partner by engaging in activities or behaviours that are more pleasurable for you to do.

Which Relationship Exits Do You Use?

• working long hours and weekends
• staying on the computer for extended periods of time
• watching TV
• cleaning the house or car
• hanging out with friends
• over-eating
• spending too much time on your iPhone/smartphone
• sleeping more than is needed
• playing sports
• immersing yourself in internet pornography
• constant playing of computer games
• focusing on the children

Of course, not all exits are a problem and many are a functional and necessary part of life. Ask yourself the question, ‘do I use these behaviours to avoid my partner and the relationship?’

Often relationship exits come about because one or both partners struggle with the skill of differentiation. This is the ability to ‘hold onto yourself’ in the face of conflict, disagreement or feelings of fear and anxiety. It is an essential skill that needs to be developed in couples, so they can manage their own emotions, even when their partner cannot.

A relationship exit is often a way of avoiding differentiation. It is a short term solution for a longer term problem. As long as a couple avoids differentiation and the working through of issues, the relationship cannot grow and move forward.

Relationship Experiment:

1. Each create a list of all the exits that you use to avoid your relationship and then consider which ones you are willing to modify and which ones you will find difficult.
2. Share your list with your partner and discuss how these relationship exits affect each other.
3. Negotiate with each other which behaviours you are willing to modify.
4. Check in with each other after 2 weeks to give feedback as to how the other has gone with closing their relationship exits.
5. Keep each other accountable and give feedback when you notice your partner, or yourself, engaging in relationship exits.

What other relationship exits are you aware of? Please add your thoughts in the comments box below.

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Time and time again in my clinical practice, I am coming across clients who report relationship breakdown because of problems in communication related to social media and the web 2.0.

Web 2.0 refers to the new era of the internet where we have moved from static websites that people visit to an interactive social web where people form online communities and share information and resources. These include Facebook, Twitter and other social media websites.

It seems that relationships sometimes begin and end via the 160 characters of a text message or tweet. Jealousy, anger, hurt and resentment are easily evoked in relationships facilitated by social media.

I have compiled a list of tips so that you can better navigate your relationships in the age of web 2.0 and avoid relationship breakdown. One thing I know for sure, the internet is not going away and if anything, it will be increasing in size and influence.

1. AVOID SENDING EMOTIONALLY LOADED MESSAGES

One of the challenges of reading messages without knowing the emotional tone is that your brain automatically reads the message through it’s own emotional filters. As a result, you sometimes ‘project’ emotion on to a message that may or may not be accurate.

If you are aware that you are having an issue with your friend, partner or family member, avoid putting this issue in writing and then posting it online. I encourage clients that if there is a vexed issue that they are struggling with, aim to meet the person in vivo.

Some studies suggest that up to 93% of communication is non-verbal. So if you are sending an emotional message with a limit of 140-160 characters, this increases the chances of misunderstandings.

2. COMMUNICATE AS IF THE WHOLE WORLD WILL READ YOUR MESSAGE

When you write a post, tweet or status update, imagine that whatever you write will be written on your forehead for the whole world to see. While this might seem a little dramatic, it will help give you a sense of how potentially dangerous what you write online can be to your reputation and relationships.

In the world of web 2.0, there is little privacy and it seems to be reducing more and more. When you take responsibility for what you put online, you can sleep at night knowing that nothing can come back to bite you or your reputation in the future.

3. DON’T AIR YOUR DIRTY LAUNDRY IN PUBLIC

We have all seen those Facebook posts of someone who has written a gripe about their girlfriend/boyfriend, boss or work colleague, forgetting they are ‘friends’ with this person and they too can read the gripe. While it makes for a humorous story, the reality is this is all too common and very painful for all parties involved.

If you have an issue with someone, address it directly with that person, preferably in person, but at least on the phone. Sitting down in front of a person and bringing up the issue or conflict will automatically increase the chances of you working through the disagreement. For one, you have much more non-verbal information on what is happening for the other.  Also, the brain produces oxcytocin when you are in close contact with another person. The hormone acts as a neurotransmitter, reducing the stress hormone cortisol, which facilitates bonding.

I encourage partners in conflict to sit opposite each other, almost with their knees touching, to aid in the production of oxytocin as they work through an issue.

Voicing your displeasure or issue on the web will generally inflame the issue. Often this results in both parties cutting off of all communication and relationship breakdown. This makes the possibility of resolution extremely difficult.

4. BEGIN AND END RELATIONSHIPS IN THE REAL WORLD

So many relationships begin and end on social networking sites and involve assumptions, miscommunication and numerous misunderstandings. It can be beneficial to have a rule that you only begin and end relationships in person.

One of the downsides of connecting predominantly online and not in the real world, is that you can lose the skill of dealing with your anxieties when communicating about difficult issues. When you begin and end relationships in the real world, you are developing the skill of differentiation. This means the ability to ‘hold on to yourself’ in the face of another person’s expression of emotion. This is a valuable skill that all people need to develop to be able to have long-lasting relationships.

5. SET GROUND RULES WITH YOUR PARTNER

A recent study of college students showed that jealousy is rampant in the world of Facebook and romantic relationships. Accessibility of information makes it possible for people to monitor each other and the lack of context means that misunderstandings leading to jealousy are frequent.

I encourage couples to discuss the ground rules for sites such as Facebook. You may want to discuss length of time spent on the site, whether access to the your partner’s profile is allowed and how you want to navigate the ‘friending’ of ex-partners.

Social media is an incredible tool for strengthening and building relationships. Unfortunately it can also play a role in the breakdown of relationships. Remember, if in doubt, err on the side of caution. Don’t tweet or post if you think there may be repercussions and preference talking face-to-face to facilitate healthy communication.

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In my last post I wrote about developing a relationship vision, either with your partner, or if you are single, developing a vision of the type of relationship you would like to create in the future. The benefits of this are that you can become clearer about what your personal goals are, and together you can form relationship goals that you create, revise and renew within your partnership.

In this post, I am writing about core relationship needs. I will explain  how you can identify your own core needs and align them with your relationship vision.

Dr Phil McGraw in his book Relationship Rescue identifies core needs under five categories. These categories of needs are emotional, physical, spiritual, social and security.

1. Emotional

Emotional needs include the need to feel loved, valued and a part of your partner’s life. They are about the need to be respected, special and accepted by your partner with all your flaws.

2. Physical

Physical needs include touching, caressing, hugging and holding. They also include non-verbal communication that lets you know that you are being loved and cared for. The need for a rewarding sexual life is also important and to be considered under physical needs.

3. Spiritual

This is about support and respect for your spiritual values and beliefs. This includes the need for a shared spiritual life, even if you have different spiritual beliefs.

4. Social

These needs are about calls, notes, letters or emails that acknowledge your relationship and the care and love you feel for one another. It also includes social activities with the need for appropriate tenderness, support and attention from your partner when you are in public. Sharing joy and laughter with your partner is another important social need.

5. Security

These needs are about feeling confident, support, loyalty and commitment from your partner. It is about the relationship not being at risk, even when you have disagreements. You feel confident that your partner is there for you in times of conflict with others. And you know that your partner is always a soft place for you to fall on.

Exercise

As an exercise, I encourage you to begin to get in touch with your core needs. Take a pen and paper and write down your needs under each of these categories. Don’t miss anything out. Write in a completely uncensored way, knowing that no one will ever read this.

What needs are you discovering? Which ones need to be included in your relationship vision?

Fear

Often what keeps you from meeting these needs is fear.  You may fear risking being vulnerable, feeling inadequate, rejection, abandonment or disappointing your partner.

Write down another category of fear. List all your fears that get in the way of you having your core needs met.

Once you have completed this, you now have a list of areas that are your growing edges for personal growth. Whether you are single or have a partner, you will be clearer about what you need in a relationship and what gets in the way of having your needs met. As part of your relationship vision, you are developing clearer goals that you and your partner can head towards. This can give your relationship purpose and meaning.

Your next task is to see if your core relationship needs are in alignment with your relationship vision. If so, great! You are heading in the right direction to have your needs met. If not, consider what needs to change in your relationship vision, so that you can incorporate the needs that are essential for you. Once you bring your core needs and vision into alignment, you are on the path to creating an amazing relationship.

Send me your feedback about how you find this exercise. I love to hear about your struggles or success stories. Click on the comments tab below to leave me your feedback.

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After a week of incredible dust storms in Sydney and the problems we all had with our vision (and breathing!), it got me thinking about the difficulties we sometimes have with our vision in relationships. In my relationship counselling work with singles and couples, I often hear statements such as, “I just fell into this relationship and found out after 4 months we are not working” or, “He/she is not the person I thought they were and I want out” or,  “I keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again and don’t seem to be able to find the right partner”. Another common statement is “I’m just not satisfied where my relationship is going and it feels like we are drifting apart.” If any of these statements ring true, then developing a relationship vision can help you.

Let me take you on a journey. If you have a partner, I want you to imagine you and your partner in your ideal relationship in 1 year from now. What are you doing? How are you being with each other? What is your relationship like? I then want you to consider your relationship in 5 years from now. How do you deal with stress as a couple? How do you work through differences and conflict? How do you communicate when you are both not at your best? Now if you are beginning to get a sense of what might be happening in your relationship and how you ideally are with each other, then you are beginning to create a relationship vision.

If you are single, I encourage you to do the same exercise, however, think about the type of partner you wish to be with and what type of relationship you want to create with someone. Now I am not talking about what colour eyes, type of car, or how much income your potential future partner will have. What I am referring to is the values that you feel strongly about and you would like to share with your partner. For example, what values do you have around respect, communication and affection? You may place an importance on listening to each other when you experience conflict. You may value saying hello and goodbye with a gesture of affection. And no matter how hard or bad things get between you, you always want to be treated respectfully.

Becoming clearer about what you want to create with your partner  can help you engage in your relationship with more direction and focus. For singles it can mean that when you begin a new relationship, you are going in with your eyes wide open. You will be clear within yourself about what you are looking for and what is important to you. It’s like being in a boat at sea at night and seeing a lighthouse in the distance. The lighthouse tells you where to sail when you see it’s light. Think of your relationship like that boat. Without direction and a long term vision, you may not end up going anywhere fast. And the worst case scenario is you may hit the rocks.

Relationship visioning can help you and your partner  define your relationship goals and then move towards them.  I encourage my clients to write down 5 personal goals, 5 professional/work goals and 5 relationship goals. Do this for 1 year from now, 5 years from now and even further if you wish. I suggest that you do this in isolation to begin with and then share them with each other once you have completed your goals. You might be surprised to learn about your partner’s vision! The next step is finding a way you can bring your separate visions together and begin to work on the goals that are important for each of you.

In my next post I will be writing about core needs and negotiable needs and how you navigate these with your partner to create a stronger and healthier relationship. Let me know how you find the process of relationship visioning and leave your comments below. I would love to read your feedback. Happy visioning!

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I have been reflecting on my counselling work of the last week, when I worked with a number of couples that were in enormous emotional pain. It had me asking myself the question, what is it that happens in relationships that causes pain? One answer I come back to again and again is related to needs. It is normal for all of us to have needs in relationships and one of the joys of being in relationship with another person is that we can take pleasure in the experience of having those needs met. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always happen in the way that we want…

Unmet Needs = Emotional Pain

Many couples experience pain because their needs are not being met by their partner. Sometimes when one partner expresses a need, the other will respond defensively and angrily. Or the partner will not understand the need or simply ignore it. Some partners will retaliate by immediately expressing their unmet need, instead of responding to the need their partner has expressed. This is often the beginning of a cycle of anger, blame and criticism, which can then lead to contempt. And we know from the research that when a couple begins to feel contempt, the chances of the relationship surviving are significantly lower.

The Nonviolent Communication Model:

Marshall Rosenberg, in his groundbreaking book Nonviolent Communication (NVC), introduced a model for expressing needs in your relationship. I find this model particularly useful when working with couples. It is a model that uses four steps:

1. Observation
2. Feeling
3. Need
4. Request

1. Observation: This part of the communication process is about describing what we hear or see. We describe what we like or dislike, without judgment, evaluation or blame. e.g. “John, I notice that your clothes are on the floor”

2. Feeling: This part of the process is about sharing your feelings when you observe this action, so that you are known by the other e.g. I feel hurt, scared, happy or angry.

3. Need: When we state our need, we are expressing what our values are, and how they are connected to the observation. Here is how you might link the first 3 steps: “John, I notice that your clothes are on the floor, and I feel irritated because I have a need for a clean house.” It is important to note that the need is not about John picking up his clothes. A need is often related to a value that we believe is important, and for this reason they tend to be more broad and general, such as, “I need to feel appreciated”; “I need to be professional and on time”; or “I have a need to be honest and open with those I love”.

4. Request: This is the part of the model where we make a request for change. The request is what we want from the other that would enrich our life. So the last part of the example might be “John, I would really appreciate it if you would pick up your clothes and put them in the laundry.”

The great thing about this model is you can also use it in reverse so that you can deepen your connection and empathy with your partner. Use the four components to sense what your partner might be observing, feeling and needing and then become aware of what might enrich their life with the fourth part, a request. In my experience this is a wonderful way to deepen your relationship and to voice your feelings, needs and requests in a way that you can truly be heard.

Are your needs being met in your relationship?

Perhaps your communication around needs is not working in your relationship. I encourage you to try this process in your communication with your partner. Send me your feedback about how you find this works in your relationship. Please add your comment below by clicking on the comments button.

NVC Process

The concrete actions we are
observing that are affecting our well-being

How we are feeling in relation
to what we are observing

The needs, values, desires, etc.
that are creating our feelings

The concrete actions we request
in order to enrich our lives

(Rosenberg, 2004)

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