Some new research reported in the New York Times suggests that couples that engage in more touch report higher levels of relationship satisfaction.

This might sound like common sense, but it is also a good reminder of what helps sustain successful relationships.

Although it is hard to know what came first for these couples, the relationship satisfaction or the touch, it is clear that there is a link between the two, and that touch is a powerful tool for building relationships.

“Touch is a basic human need. It is the first language we learn and throughout our lives it remains our richest form of expression.” Dacher Keltner¹

Think about how much touch babies experience from the time they are born and it is not hard to understand why touch may be so important and powerful for us. Babies that are neglected or receive less touch do not thrive. We also know that a baby that is not touched will die, even if it is given the required nutrients to grow.

One of the reasons that touch is so powerful is that it can communicate a wider range of emotion than words or gestures. And it communicates it much faster.

Think about the last time you felt a supportive hand on your shoulder, or a long hug with your partner. Or perhaps you have had the experience of feeling a lingering touch on your arm or hand, and you knew on some level it just didn’t feel right.

All these experiences of touch are communicating very different messages directly and succinctly.

Your brain has interpreted their meaning and intention within a split second. You know if you are safe, in danger or need to protect yourself.

This has got me thinking about the power of touch in relationships. Many couples I see report that they are feeling disconnected from their partner and that they feel like they are drifting apart. When I inquire about touch, I am not surprised to hear that their relationship has entered a barren desert of little or no touch.

I think touch is an essential part of a satisfying relationship. If you are finding that you are missing touch in your relationship, consider some of the following suggestions where you can increase the levels of touch in your relationship.

8 ways to increase touch in your relationship:

• Holding hands when you are watching television or walking outside.
• Stroking your partner’s head or neck when they are sitting at their desk.
• Taking 5-10 minutes to engage in non-sexual massage each night before you go to sleep.
• Holding or spooning each other in bed while being still.
• Hugging your partner before you leave for work for a minimum of 20 seconds.
• Rubbing your partner’s feet with warm oil or moisturiser while relaxing on the sofa.
• Giving your partner a neck massage when they are feeling tired or stressed.
• Laying in bed facing each other and caressing each others face and body.

Do you engage in these forms of touch with your partner? You may be aware that some of this type of touch is absent from your relationship.

Consider what happens that stops you from touching your partner. What are the blocks or difficulties you have with touch? What did you learn about touch from your family and previous relationships?

Often the messages we picked up in our families, spoken and unspoken, have had a powerful effect on our values and beliefs around touch.

If you know that you have difficulty with some forms of touch, talk to your partner about this. Together you can discuss what you both need and how you can support each other in creating a relationship vision with the type of touch that you want from each other.

I’m interested to hear what forms of touch are important for you in your relationship. You can share your experience and thoughts by writing in the comments box below.

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Post tags: Couples Therapy, Relationship Needs, Relationship Research, Relationship Success, Touch

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MYTH # 6: MY CHILDHOOD WON’T AFFECT MY RELATIONSHIP

Some people believe that whatever kind of childhood they had, it has no bearing on the relationships they form in adulthood.

Nothing could be further from the truth. It is impossible to not bring the influences of your childhood into your relationship. It is in childhood that we develop a ‘blueprint’ for relating. We learn and internalise what we perceive love is and how it is expressed. This then plays out in our adult relationships.

If you find you keep repeating the same relationship mistakes over and over again, you may benefit from working with a trained counsellor to understand what your blueprint is and how it gets in the way of you forming a loving a respectful relationship.

MYTH # 7: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP MEANS WE HAVE NO UNRESOLVED ISSUES

Interestingly, research says that over 80% of all issues that couples have never get resolved. When you consider this statistic, it puts into perspective all the time and energy you may have put into trying to resolve issues that never shift. You may also recognise that you have expended a lot of energy trying to change your partner!

Often, I think the question is not how you deal with difference, but what are your differences in dealing. When you look at how you go about working with differences in your relationship, then new possibilities for change and relating can emerge.

MYTH # 8:  SEX HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH A GOOD RELATIONSHIP

Sex has everything to do with a good relationship!

I think of sex as the melting pot of all the relationship issues. If you are distancing from each other, living parallel lives and working or raising kids with no time to invest in the relationship, it makes sense that the last thing you would want is to connect sexually.

If you struggle to be open and vulnerable with your partner and express your needs and longings, then it is very unlikely that you will be open and vulnerable in sex.

Have a look at what is happening between you in the way you connect and relate and then see how that connects to your sexual life. It may be an illuminating experience.

MYTH # 9:  THE RELATIONSHIP WON’T IMPROVE UNTIL MY PARTNER DOES

Most couples come into couples therapy thinking that it is their partner that is the problem and that the partner needs to change. This attitude will keep you stuck and unable to improve or deepen your relationship in any way.

Rather than focusing on your partner, think about how can you change. What do you aspire to be at the worst of times, or when you are not feeling your best? How do you want to be in the face of your partner not being his or her best?

A principle of systems theory is that when one element in a system changes, the whole system is affected. This means when you change yourself, the relationship changes.

MYTH # 10:  MY PARTNER SHOULD LOVE ME UNCONDITIONALLY AT ALL TIMES

Again, I think this myth is related to the symbiotic nature of romantic love. Just like a baby who bonds with it’s mother and feels as one, we sometimes think that one person should be everything for us and meet all our needs.

In the distant past, we had a whole village of people to connect with and meet our needs. Often today we expect one person to meet all our needs and love us and accept us unconditionally.

When you are aware of this belief, ask yourself, what do I need to give myself? How can I love myself more in this moment? What other relationships in my life can I go to and have this need met?

WHAT MYTHS ARE YOU AWARE OF?

I hope you have found the top 10 relationship myths helpful in clarifying some of the negative beliefs that we are taught or internalise as we develop in our lives. These are the most common myths that I encounter in my clinical practice and are by no means the only ones.

Please let me know if you are aware of other myths that you have heard or struggle with by adding them in the comments section below. I look forward to reading your feedback.

Visit my Top 10 Relationship Myths of All Time post if you missed the first 5 relationship myths.

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In my last post I wrote about developing a relationship vision, either with your partner, or if you are single, developing a vision of the type of relationship you would like to create in the future. The benefits of this are that you can become clearer about what your personal goals are, and together you can form relationship goals that you create, revise and renew within your partnership.

In this post, I am writing about core relationship needs. I will explain  how you can identify your own core needs and align them with your relationship vision.

Dr Phil McGraw in his book Relationship Rescue identifies core needs under five categories. These categories of needs are emotional, physical, spiritual, social and security.

1. Emotional

Emotional needs include the need to feel loved, valued and a part of your partner’s life. They are about the need to be respected, special and accepted by your partner with all your flaws.

2. Physical

Physical needs include touching, caressing, hugging and holding. They also include non-verbal communication that lets you know that you are being loved and cared for. The need for a rewarding sexual life is also important and to be considered under physical needs.

3. Spiritual

This is about support and respect for your spiritual values and beliefs. This includes the need for a shared spiritual life, even if you have different spiritual beliefs.

4. Social

These needs are about calls, notes, letters or emails that acknowledge your relationship and the care and love you feel for one another. It also includes social activities with the need for appropriate tenderness, support and attention from your partner when you are in public. Sharing joy and laughter with your partner is another important social need.

5. Security

These needs are about feeling confident, support, loyalty and commitment from your partner. It is about the relationship not being at risk, even when you have disagreements. You feel confident that your partner is there for you in times of conflict with others. And you know that your partner is always a soft place for you to fall on.

Exercise

As an exercise, I encourage you to begin to get in touch with your core needs. Take a pen and paper and write down your needs under each of these categories. Don’t miss anything out. Write in a completely uncensored way, knowing that no one will ever read this.

What needs are you discovering? Which ones need to be included in your relationship vision?

Fear

Often what keeps you from meeting these needs is fear.  You may fear risking being vulnerable, feeling inadequate, rejection, abandonment or disappointing your partner.

Write down another category of fear. List all your fears that get in the way of you having your core needs met.

Once you have completed this, you now have a list of areas that are your growing edges for personal growth. Whether you are single or have a partner, you will be clearer about what you need in a relationship and what gets in the way of having your needs met. As part of your relationship vision, you are developing clearer goals that you and your partner can head towards. This can give your relationship purpose and meaning.

Your next task is to see if your core relationship needs are in alignment with your relationship vision. If so, great! You are heading in the right direction to have your needs met. If not, consider what needs to change in your relationship vision, so that you can incorporate the needs that are essential for you. Once you bring your core needs and vision into alignment, you are on the path to creating an amazing relationship.

Send me your feedback about how you find this exercise. I love to hear about your struggles or success stories. Click on the comments tab below to leave me your feedback.

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