There is a moment at the beginning of something new – like the first day of a new year – when we take in a breath of air, pause quietly within and wonder about the ways we may change or be changed. In a way, it’s a moment in which we hover between what we were and who we will be.

This is especially more powerful when the newness in a moment appears to be universally shared by many people at the same time. It strengthens our resolve.

Somehow, through the certainty of connection, we believe we can pluck a dream from the air and make it real or move strongly towards a goal and know that we have the power to reach it. We rise above time and tide, conquer our fears and feel we have the steadfastness to do something we set our minds to doing.

All too frequently, this feeling doesn’t last. We have many reminders of all the times we’ve not followed through, the times when we’ve given up or been so distracted by events in our lives that our dreams and goals for the future float un-tethered in the ether.

Yet in our relationships, commitment and shared resolve are crucial – the difference between growing closer together or drifting apart. By this I mean that establishing greater common ground relies on our shared resolutions. Intimate connection with one person or more requires that we have the courage to resolve a painful past while being open to wonderful possibilities. This is an essential step for creating successful relationships.

Why do we have to make relationship resolutions?

In our hearts, a real resolution – for example, like resolving to listen more and reduce communication problems – can create strong foundations for greater intimacy and connection in our relationships.

The key here is to take care that we stay optimistic about the shared resolutions we commit to with each other. This way, as we resolve so to do something new or slightly different in a specific relationship, our hopefulness becomes the confidence that brings lasting change.

“If you don’t know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else.”  - Lawrence J. Peter

 It’s all too easy in a friendly crowd on New Year’s Eve to jovially shout out the same list of resolutions as we did last year, and to laugh about why we didn’t reach them. We’ve all been there, but somehow this leaves us feeling a little hollow afterwards.

I think this is because hidden beneath the camaraderie and convincing common argument that resolutions always fail is the truth that resolutions and failure are not intrinsically connected. People do decide to make changes in their lives and quite frequently it works.

The relationships that are important to us thrive when we keep our interactions fresh and interesting, when we grow and come to know the other person better while also learning more about ourselves.

By deciding on a few resolutions that enhance true connection with our partner or loved ones, we can be sure that we are not living in our own illusions but are very connected in real ways to the ones we love. This premise is very simple but can be very powerful.

Sharing the process of making and keeping resolutions that help with giving and receiving love with friends and family, significantly improves the likelihood that we can make the lasting changes we want to see in our daily lives.

Keeping resolutions active

Discipline is the cornerstone of your commitment to taking action. You can decide to take action against a relationship habit you want to break or towards introducing something new and exciting into an important relationship that was not there before.

Couples who seek relationship counselling often realise that something isn’t working in their relationship but find it hard to see a way forward. Usually they are seeking something that will make a difference to the quality of their relationship and their everyday lives together. They would like to be more emotionally available to each other and to connect more deeply.

Resolving to actively change a destructive habit or to create a new pattern together can seem daunting at first but it definitely gets easier when the task is broken down into a series of small and manageable steps that can be carried out every single day.

Doing it together the smart way

The first thing to decide on is how any change that is going to be introduced will be managed. Rather than starting with what the problems are, it can be very helpful to focus first efforts on the daily actions that will bring a new resolution to life. The key is active participation.

It may be that only one person in a relationship is really taken with the idea of bringing about relationship change and a little help may be needed to convince the other partner to join in. It’s a puzzling fact that typically people don’t have goals for what they cherish the most in their lives.

Many people assume that the relationship will grow and improve on its own- this is a relationship myth. In reality though, it’s only by taking action together that the relationship both partners aspire to create will come into being.

Resolving to actively change something in a relationship that will bring partners closer together – like deciding to introduce a date night or a shared sporting activity – is easy to follow through on because it is very possible to quantify the change.

The process of change is easier if supported by a clear structure. The SMART goal system provides a simple way to structure and keep track of resolutions:

• Specific – a simple, straightforward and focused goal that is as defined as possible.
• Measurable – A measurement allows for feedback and completion date.
• Attainable – This should be no pipe dream but something that can be achieved.
• Realistic – It’s important that if special skills are needed, the partners have these.
• Timely – A time-based goal can be energetically pursued while still being realistic.

SMART goals have become second nature to many people across the globe and are a great way to keep changes manageable. By having specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely resolutions, it’s easier to see the way forward.

Couples and family members who want to improve the relationship they have or singles looking for love, can decide on goals for themselves or as an interesting variation can ask their partner to come up with goals for them. It’s often quite difficult for a person to see into their own faults. If this is done in a gentle way, without criticism, it can have profound effects on a relationship’s quality.

Shared resolutions

I recently read an article in the Wall Street Journal titled: To Stick to New Year’s Resolutions, Try Outsourcing Them that got me thinking about shared resolutions. By engaging in relationship change and keeping resolutions active in our daily lives, there is a greater likelihood that we will succeed in making important changes in our relationships. What’s suggested in this article is that by asking significant others in your life to give you feedback about what needs to change, you are much more likely to be able to maintain your resolutions over time.

If we open ourselves to the possibilities, listen more and give time to those we love in a constructive way, we can learn to take better care of ourselves and our partners and live a remarkable life.

What relationship resolutions are you making for 2012 and how are you keeping yourself accountable? Share your thoughts in the comments box below.

 photo: ‘Flying Hearts’ by JohnathanPoh flickr

© Clinton for Sydney Relationship & Couples Counselling, 2011. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: changing your relationship, New Year resolutions, relationship resolutions, SMART goals

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I recently volunteered for a charity day called Help-Portrait, which I found to be a surprisingly moving experience. This got me thinking about the power of giving and receiving love in our relationships- and the difficulties many people have with this. This post explores the joys and challenges of giving and receiving love in your intimate relationships.

Founded in 2009 by Celebrity Photographer Jeremy Cowart, Help-Portrait is a community of photographers coming together across the world to use their photography skills to give back to their local communities. What started out as a single event in the U.S. has exploded across the world with the event now being hosted in 56 countries and 1000 locations.

In essence, the way it works is photographers, editors, make-up artists, hair-stylists and other volunteers donate their time to create studio-quality portraits for members of the community who would not have the means to otherwise have such photos taken.

The premise is simple, but also powerful. My volunteer role on the day was to guide each family through the process of having their hair and make-up done, sitting for their portraits and then presenting them with their portraits once they were printed.

2011 Help-Portrait Sydney Volunteers

What I underestimated was the response from my guests on the day. Some of the guests had never worn make up, never had their hair done and most had never had a professional photo taken of them. What was so enjoyable was the look of joy on their faces as they received the portraits and then the expressions of gratitude to me and my colleagues for helping them throughout the day.

I was filled with a sense of happiness that I was part of a movement that was contributing to the self-esteem of these individuals. The love was completely contagious and even the most hard-hearted person would have been challenged not to be touched in some way on the day.

So let me bring this back to the issue of giving and receiving love in your relationships. When I think about the singles and couples I work with, I notice that many people are not always entirely comfortable with receiving love and/or giving love to another. There are many different blocks that can get in the way of you experiencing this powerful and essential emotion to be able to live a full and rewarding life.

What are the common blocks to giving and receiving love in your relationships?

There are many different factors involved in this, but some of the most common include:

• family of origin experiences around the expression of love
• previous relationship experiences of giving and receiving love
• loss of relationships and the consequential loss of love
• cultural influences on the expression of love
• the attachment style of the individual- meaning some people find it hard to reach out to others when they are in distress to receive love
• fear of rejection if you give love to another
• fear of unavoidable loss- all expressions of love involve a loss of some kind and at some point
• fears of feeling obligated- if I receive this love, do I have to return it?

So giving or receiving love can be a highly complex process to be negotiated by some individuals. And for others, it may be something that comes easily and without a second thought.

Ways to give love in your relationships

There are many ways that you can give love in your relationships. Here’s a short, but by no means exhaustive list:

• surprise a friend or partner with an unexpected gift
• inquire after someone who you know is going through a difficult time
• provide emotional support for your friend who is distressed from a life event
• listen carefully to your partner without responding, but making sure you fully understand what they are saying
• extending yourself for your friend or partner without the expectation it will be returned
• making a beautiful meal for your partner to say thanks for being there
• touching, stroking and hugging your partner
• remembering friends’ birthdays and making an effort to personally wish them well

I’m sure there are many things you could add to this list, as we all express love in different ways. While you may already do some of these things in your relationships, some people find many of these things difficult to do, and even feel confronted with the idea.

Common ways people block love in their relationships

There are many different ways that people block love in their relationships- sometimes completely outside of awareness. Here are the some of the most common things I see:

• deflecting a compliment by changing the subject
• not listening to positive feedback from a friend or partner by moving on quickly
• using humour to move the focus when they receive affection
• physically pulling away when someone moves towards, hugs or kisses
• stonewalling- cutting off or ignoring a friend or partner
• criticising a friend or partner
• being defensive when a friend or partner is taking a risk and opening up
• averting your eye gaze when someone is emotionally reaching out to you

Do you recognise any of these aspects within yourself? I think we all have done or do some of these things to block love in our relationships. Don’t beat yourself up for them, but start to notice and catch yourself deflecting the love that comes your way.

Ways to receive love in your relationships

So the next challenge if you are doing well giving love, is to check how are doing with receiving love. It’s much easier to say than do for many people.

Here are some tips for receiving love in your relationships:

1. When you receive a compliment, pause and then literally inhale so that you feel the goodness going inside of you
2. When you hear positive feedback about yourself, sit still and allow yourself to be with it. Then take a moment to feel what is being said- and say thank you.
3. If you notice you use humour to deflect the attention away, experiment with allowing the focus to be on you and experience whatever is there. If you feel uncomfortable, stay with this and continue to be curious about yourself.
4. When someone physically reaches out to you, allow yourself to surrender to their touch. Lean into the affection and breathe.
5. Practise feeling loving kindness towards yourself and catch yourself being self-critical. Turn critical thoughts into loving thoughts.
6. Practice loving kindness towards others- especially those people you don’t like.
7. When someone opens up to you, practise staying still and centred and allow yourself to receive this love, like a warm bath of sunshine.
8. Practise maintaining eye contact with people and notice when happens when you are able to not avert your gaze.

Through becoming aware of your own struggles with giving or receiving love, you can then see where your growing edges are. By working on becoming better in their area, you are opening yourself up to feeling this very important emotion allowing your relationship satisfaction with others to improve.

When do you find giving or receiving love difficult in your relationships? Share your thoughts in the comments box below.

Click below to watch a video on what Help-Portrait is.

© Clinton for Sydney Relationship & Couples Counselling, 2011. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: couple love, giving love, love, love in friendships, receiving love, relationship love

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As I am now offering Skype online relationship coaching and counselling for individuals, I’ve had a few inquiries from people who are curious to know how effective it is and how it works. To illustrate this point, I’m sharing with you a client’s success story so that you can get an idea if online coaching is for you.

Dana felt desperate and despairing

Dana and I commenced online relationship coaching because she wanted to work with me, but was living in a small country town where there were very few support services for her. She was struggling in her love life. She was in her mid 30s and had experienced a series of short-term relationships with men over the last decade, but none of them had developed into anything more substantial. She was feeling anxious and depressed about the possibility of meeting anyone significant.

What’s more, she now felt incredibly cynical about dating new men, and thought that she was putting off new suitors when she did go on new dates because the last four dates had gone nowhere. She wanted to understand what she was doing that was repelling men.

Discovering her blocks to intimacy

In our online work together, we realised that Dana had some big blocks about being in an intimate relationship that were rooted in her family of origin. Her mother and father had gone through a devastating divorce when she was 8 years old.

Her mum had turned her against her dad and sought solace in Dana when things were bad in the relationship with her husband. Dana had felt helpless and powerless to change her parent’s marriage and had internalised this distress. She had also developed a strong belief that marriage meant unhappiness and conflcit and as a result, had begun to sabotage her own relationships when anyone got close to her.

Her relationship template was distorted so that she expected to fail at her relationships before they even began.

Throughout the course of our work together Dana made a lot of connections with why her relationships were not getting off the ground and how her negative beliefs were undermining her efforts to forma  long term relationship. Even though all this awareness was good,  it didn’t directly change her current predicament.

She needed to grieve for her hurt little girl

It became apparent that there was a little 8-year old girl part of her that was still carrying the hurt and pain from her parents divorce. We needed to connect with that part of her and allow her to feel the grief and loss that was never expressed at the time.

Through a series of creative exercises and homework, Dana got in touch with her unfinished pain and grief from the past. She was able to express it fully and make sense of how she had been affected by her parents divorce. This was a powerful healing moment in our work together and allowed Dana to then make the shifts she needed in he life.

Dana’s love-life moved from dull to delicious

It was no coincidence that soon after Dana had done work around her hurt and grief that things started to shift for her. Dana was feeling much more optimistic about her future and enthusiastic about meeting new people. Overall, she reported that she felt very positive about herself and she was much more present and engaged in her life.

What’s more, she was back on the dating scene and loving meeting new and interesting people. She told me her whole outlook had changed and that she had shaken her pervasive cynical and pessimistic attitude about relationships and men. In fact, she had 3 very interesting men all wanting to date her at one point and she had to spend some time deciding who she wanted to take things further with- what a dilemma!

When I made a follow-up call with Dana about 3 months after our last session, she reported that things were going very well. She was in a serious relationship with a man from her gym called Sean and she was feeling confident, secure and happy about the direction they were going in. Dana told me the most significant part of our work was when she had recognised she was still carrying the hurt and pain of her 8-year old. Her ability to reconnect with this old pain and move through it had given her the freedom to move out of her despair and start to design her life just as she wanted it. She told me that her life and her relationship were ‘delicious’!

If you’re interested in knowing more about how Skype online relationship coaching and counselling works, check out my frequently asked questions on my Skype online relationship counselling page or book an online relationship coaching session.

(All depictions of clients are altered to protect client confidentiality, and may include an amalgam of different cases seen in actual clinical practice.)

© Clinton for Sydney Relationship & Couples Counselling, 2011. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: dating success story, finding a partner online, Internet dating tips, online coaching, online counselling, Skype relationship counselling

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Note: Since writing this blog the ALP party in Australia decide to support a change to its platform to make same-sex marriages possible. This is a small step towards legislating same-sex marriages.

Gay relationships have come a long way in Australia over the last couple of decades. Same-sex couples are receiving more legal recognition and the stigma of homosexuality is slowly shifting in Australia. This post explores why this current political issue also has significant consequences for the mental health of gay and lesbian (GLBT) people in Australia.

I usually reserve this blog for advice, tips and information about how to create an effective and long-lasting relationship and I have tended to steer clear of political discussions and controversy for the most part. However, the same-sex marriage debate is very much at the forefront for Australians at the moment. The ALP will be debating the issue at it’s national conference this coming weekend. Along with the release of a touching video from the organisation getup.org.au that has gone viral across the world on YouTube (the video is at end of this post), the web is abuzz with debate and discussions in the lead up to our parliamentarians discussing this issue.

What the polls say

Support for Gay Marriage Since 2004

The legalisation of same sex marriage in Australia has been under discussion for quite some time now. The country has been flooded with polls and opinions regarding this issue.

According to recent studies, the public’s response shows a significant shift towards the acceptance of gay marriage. A recent poll that was conducted by Alternative Census in mid July 2011 revealed that 7 out of 10 people in Australia support same sex marriages. The vote was fairly constant throughout the country and same-sex marriage had the strongest support in Tasmania and Canberra. What’s astounding is that even the least enthusiastic states, namely Queensland, Northern Territory, and South Australia, had two-thirds of the voting party in favour of  giving same sex couples a chance to be allowed to marry.

Roy Morgan Research also conducted a poll in early August 2011, in an effort to contribute to this hot national topic. The poll asked a group of 543 people if gay people should have the right to get married. Almost 68% of the group responded positively which clearly reflects that Australia is ready to accept same-sex marriages. This is a drastic change in opinion from the 2004 figures, when an SBS commissioned News poll revealed that only 38% of the Australian population supported this stance.

A Galaxy research poll released in August 2011 found that 53% of Australians who identify as Christians support same-sex marriage, while 41% oppose. 67% of non-Christians support it.

Currently, Australia allows gay couples to enter into civil unions in Tasmania, New South Wales, Victoria and Australian Capital Territory. Although this gives gay couples the right to access most relationship entitlements, it isn’t a fully legal status. This limited status can make couples feel like second class citizens in their own homeland.

Celebrities support same-sex marriage

Rugby League star David Pocock won't marry until gay marriage is legal in Australia

The matter has become a topic of interest among celebrities and sport stars as well. Rugby Union star David Pocock has refused to tie the knot with Emma Palindri until the government legalises same sex marriages. According to him, “It comes down to equal love. I don’t think it’s the government’s role to tell people that their love is right or wrong”.

Although the topic is still under discussion, the Australian Labour party (ALP) is facing international pressure, from human rights and Labour figures, in favour of the legalisation of this controversial issue. According to the Australian Marriage Equality National Convener, Alex Greenwich, “Labour parties and human rights organisations around the world will be watching the ALP National Conference and hoping the ALP upholds its fundamental values and by supporting equality”. Moreover, the ALP’s national president Jenny McAllister has also said yes to the legalisation of this clause.

Most gay couples have experienced adversity in Australia

This discussion would not be complete without reflecting on what these changes might mean for gay couples. Many gay people have experienced the following in their process of coming out:

• external homophobia- bullying, teasing, and taunts in school, online and in the workplace
• internalised homophobia- feelings of self-loathing about being gay
• physical abuse in schools
• internalised shame from growing up gay in a straight world
• depression and suicide resulting from a lack of support for their sexuality
• fear of rejection from friends, family members or their church

Not all gay people experience all of these things, but many have experienced some of these struggles. This can effect their sense of self-worth, confidence and their ability to develop intimate relationships and participate fully within society.

What are the mental health benefits for gay couples if same-sex marriage is legalised?

While the upcoming debate is a political issue, there are important social outcomes that would relate to the legalisation of same-sex marriages and giving GLBT people the same rights as  heterosexual couples. These include:

• reduction in shame for those that identify as having a different sexuality from the majority
• increasing self-worth through the normalisation and validation of gay relationships
• reduction in social stigmas related to being in a gay relationship
• an increase in self-esteem as GLBT people have the same legal rights that heterosexual people have
• a decrease in homophobic attitudes as the Australian public becomes more accepting of same-sex marriages
• lowering rates of depression, anxiety, drug and alcohol use and suicide within the gay population
• important social recognition and validation of same-sex couples leading to a more cohesive society that can hold greater diversity

It’s seems that this discussion is growing momentum in Australia at this point. What are your thoughts about gay marriage for same-sex couples? Please leave your comments below.

© Clinton for Sydney Relationship & Couples Counselling, 2011. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: gay couples, gay marriage, gay relationships, GLBT couples, same-sex couples

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Single people all over the world are looking for love, yet so many singles can’t seem to find a mate. If you’re single, you may be familiar with the frustrations that often accompany dating and can sometimes lead to distress, despair and disillusionment.

Many of my single clients know this struggle well and want to know how they can find a suitable partner. Some are on the endless online dating merry-go-round, while others feel more and more hopeless and bitter with every year that passes and they still remain single

While I don’t think there is any formula for finding love, I do believe there are a number of things you can do to increase your chances of making a romantic connection and reduce your own self-sabotaging behaviours.

Open yourself to possibiities

If you’re a single person, one way you many be  limiting yourself is by having a rigid partner template. A template is a fixed vision or idea of what you’re looking for in a partner.

Of course it’s important to know your core needs (those needs that are non-negotiable) and be aware of your values when dating. However, many singles are passing up possible connections by filtering all the people that they meet through their template.

Often this template can be a combination of fanatsy and dreams about the ideal partner and not based in reality. It can also be reflective of your desire to feel complete and whole and have all your needs met. Unfortunately, the only time this symbiosis happens is in the first few months of life when your mother was attending to all your needs.

If you’re aware of your own template, this may also be a way to stop anyone from getting too close. You may find emotional intimacy confronting. And a convenient way to deal with your fear of intimacy is to reject prospective connections so that nobody gets close.

Value your strengths and gifts

You have unique and special gifts and strengths that nobody else has. When you start to value your own gifts, you will increase your sense of self and improve your self-image and self-esteem.

Being aware of your strengths will also help you recognise what you have to offer potential partners.  And something very strange will happen. You will actually start to attract people into your life that also recognise your gifts and strengths. But it has to start with you and only you.

Many single people get stuck by trying to find a partner that will validate them and help them feel good about themself. This is a doomed strategy, as your very well-being and ‘ok-ness’ is based on the actions of another.

Start by validating yourself and honouring who you are and watch what happens.

Learn and grow from your past relationship hurts

We all have experiences growing up that impact us in one way or another. It’s just not possible to go through life and not be affected by our family of origin, former lovers, relationships or marriages and experiences at school and in the workplace.

These experiences shape us for better or worse. However, it’s the way you respond to the painful experiences that can become problematic in your relationships later in life. And if you’re single, it can be a large block to intimacy and the ability to form a long-term relationship.

For example, if you’ve been betrayed or rejected in an earlier relationship, you may have dealt with that by consciously or unconsciously deciding not to trust others. This becomes a major issue when you are trying to form an intimate connection later in life, where trust is essential for the relationship to develop. As you get close to your new partner, the primitive part of the brain that remembers painful experiences goes into overdrive. It’s likely you start to distrust the closeness or withdraw from the relationship in subtle ways. This is the brain’s natural defence response to pain.

If you’re aware of unresolved pain or unfinished business with events or people from your past, this is where therapy can help you move through those blocks and achieve resolution. It’s in the resolution of your unfinished business that actually frees you up to be more emotionally available in your current life and open to meeting someone that you can deeply connect with.

What’s your experience of being single? Did you look for love in all the wrong places, or were you able to move out of singledom and form a long-lasting relationship? Share your experiences in the comments section below.

Photo:by CarbonNYC (flickr)

© Clinton for Sydney Relationship & Couples Counselling, 2011. | Permalink | 2 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: dating, finding love, single

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© Dragos Iliescu - Fotolia.com

Technology in our lives is exponentially growing in the amount of time we use it and what parts of our lives are helped by it. Technology has made our lives easier, helped us be more effective in our work and allowed us to connect with friends, family and colleagues across the world. However, often with rapid change, there is a cost. And far too often, relationships are suffering because of the effects of technology and how it dominates our world.

Whatever your position on technology, the simple facts are, we can’t avoid it. Technology is embedded into every part of our day, from the moment we wake up until we go to sleep at night. Unless you live in a cave, or somewhere very remote with no contact with others, we actually need technology to go about our day-to-day living.

Here are some of my thoughts on the problematic areas of technology in the realm of relationships.

Technology promotes connection AND disconnection

Don’t get me wrong, I love technology. In fact, a large part of my work and personal life involves using technology. From organising my work-life online, to communicating with friends and family on social networks, I can’t imagine life without it. However, with all the advances in technology to help us communicate faster, cheaper and clearer, many people are more lonely and isolated than ever before.

For some people, they can use technology to create psyeudo-connection. By this I mean a person can create the illusion or perception that they are very connected, engaged and vibrant, when the reality is they are anything but. This tends to happen when a person does all their engaging online, yet doesn’t meet with people in the offline world.

Unfortunately, I meet many people in my practice who are profoundly lonely, disconnected and isolated from others, yet by all appearances, are very connected with technology. They may have hundreds of Facebook friends or Twitter followers, yet their cries of loneliness go unheard.

The key here is to find a balance of connection online AND connection offline. I think technology is great to facilitate connection, but then take it into the real world, where something of substance can be developed.

Connection with technology can be shallow

Technology can help you initiate relationships and connect with people that you may not have been able to previously. This is a wonderful aspect of technology. I have met colleagues all over the world, and even become wonderful friends with some of them, all facilitated by technology.

But on the flip side, technology can promote superficial and shallow relationships. While you may have 350 Facebook friends, how many of them could you truly lean on in a time of crisis? The dilemma here is that while you may have many surface-level relationships with technology, you might be missing a couple of key people in your life that can really make a difference to you and your well-being.

It was only a number of decades ago that the only way you could connect with a friend was by picking up a phone or walking around to their house for a cup of tea and a chat. I think the mental health of people in those past decades was better, mostly because people connected in a real way; they connected in the flesh and were present with each other. You learned how to ask for help, reached out for support and gave a helping hand to your fellow neighbour.

Technology can mean instant gratification and lasting dissatisfaction

Technology has certainly promoted our culture of instant gratification and the need for fast and immediate satisfaction. If you buy something online, you now expect an instant email confirming all your purchase details and the ability to track the expedited delivery of your item. Or you download a movie and feel dismayed at having to wait 30 minutes (or more) for the download.

We live in a culture of desire, immediate need and instant gratification. However, what you may be losing is the ability to ‘chew things over.’ What I mean is developing the ability to reflect on yourself and others and then taking your time to make a decision.

One of the areas I see this play out in relationships is the couple that have an instant connection and rapport, and then fast-forward their relationship to moving in, marriage and/or having kids. They haven’t taken the time to get to know one another and allow things to unfold in a natural and organic way. As a result, they often find they have rushed into a relationship without fully knowing someone.

This entire process is often supported by the instant communication and always-ready-and-available position that technology allows.

What’s helpful to remember here is that even though your technology can help you communicate at light speed, you, as a human being, might need more time to work out what you want and how you want it. Slow yourself down, take time out to reflect and support yourself in making sound decisions that will impact you greatly in the future.

The culture of ‘busy me’ leads to a disconnected ‘we’

We live in a time of unparalleled busyness. Technology allow us to be instantly connected and tuned-in at all times to others. With the emergence of smartphones, it now means we are almost never away from our work email, friends updates, text messages and notifications of the location of family.

All this busyness has an impact on the ‘I’ and the ‘we’ of our relationships. You maybe working harder than you ever have, you’re more connected  to work, friends and family than you thought was possible, but the real question is, how connected are you to yourself and your partner?

When was the last time you had a meal together with no distractions? A night you didn’t play on your iPhone or read your iPad in bed? Or a day without technology for that matter? No phones, sms, iPad, emails, DVDs, TV or computers? If that sounds like a strange idea, you’re not alone. Being connected to technology at all hours of the day has become the modern-day disease.

Try having a technology-free day or (gasp!) weekend. See what it’s like to not be connected to your friends, or checking your email 30 times a day. Notice what else is in your life when you take technology away. You might be surprised by what you discover.

What’s your experience of how technology effects your relationship? Please leave your comments below.

© Clinton for Sydney Relationship & Couples Counselling, 2011. | Permalink | 2 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: relationship communication, relationship dangers, relationship how-to, relationship tips

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Thanks to Rick Hanson who, inspired me write about these tips that he spoke of at his ‘Neurodharma of Love and Power’ workshop in Sydney, May 2011.

Assertiveness is one of those foundational communication skills required in any successful relationship. There is often a lot of talk about being assertive in your communication, but not many people truly understand the nuances of this skill. In this post, I flesh out all the components of assertiveness so that you can communicate clearly and effectively

1. Keep your eye on the prize ( what’s your intention?).

I’m sure we’ve all been guilty of initiating a conversation or raising an issue without much forethought. You know the discussions where you just start talking without a plan, or worse still, you blurt out the issue you have been sitting on only when your partner raises a separate issue (also known as piggy-backing).

When you initiate a discussion or raise an issue, the outcome will almost always be better for both parties when you ‘keep your eye on the prize.’ Don’t lose sight of what you are wanting to express or have known. Consider your intention before you begin and hold onto that, especially when the going gets tough.

And if your intention is about you expressing something about yourself, (I feel, I thought, I imagined…), then your prospects for a good outcome are significantly higher.

Communication tip: Consider what’s your intention before entering into any challenging conversation. Keep your eye on the prize and don’t let it waver, particularly when the stakes are high.

2. Lose battles to win wars.

This reminds me of my favourite saying ‘you can be right, or you can be in relationship.’ It’s human nature to want to be right. We get a sense of righteous pleasure, or feel superior and better-than. But when it comes to relationships and communication, if you’re fixed on being right, you are guaranteed a lose-lose outcome.

Lose battles to win wars means consider letting go of your need to be right in favour of your bigger picture. Your big picture may include wanting a harmonious relationship, supporting your partner’s desires or creating a compassionate, warm and loving relationship.

Communication tip: When you hold on to the big picture, the small battles lose their importance.

3. Ground your communication in empathy, compassion and love.

I learned in my post-graduate studies that assertiveness was communicating in a way where you treat the other as an equal, not less than or better than yourself. This made sense to me, but it was missing something.

Empathy, compassion and love bring a whole new dimension to your relationships when you hold these intentions in the background of your communication. They help you ‘tune-in’ to the other, feel the person behind the eyes and relate with openness that’s an outcome of feeling love for the other.

Communication tip: Open yourself up to the other by feeling your own empathy, compassion and love for yourself. Paradoxically, this frees you up to feel these things for your partner.

4. Practice unilateral virtue.

Living with virtue is about being congruent with your own moral code and living your code in your day-to-day interactions.

When it comes to relationships, consider the code or values that you believe in or feel strongly about. Practicing unilateral virtue is then about the simplicity of living that code, even in the face of provocation. It’s unilateral, because you alone take responsibility for living by the values that you find meaningful and virtuous.

Communication tip: Take time to reflect on your own relationship virtues. Then practice unilateral virtue when you are deeply triggered or provoked by another.

5. Communicate for yourself, not to change others.

This is one of the most common communication issues I see in my work with couples. Many couples get stuck in their relationships by communicating with a goal of having their partner change.

The problem with this style of communication is that before you even begin to discuss an issue, you are setting up a pattern where the listener will have to defend themself. This often leads to escalating and competing messages where no-one gets heard and everyone loses.

Change your mindset to enter a conversation with the goal of discovering something new about YOURSELF and allowing yourself to be known.

Communication tip: Use this formula: When I hear/see X, I feel Y, because I need Z…and I request…

6. Communicate with dignity and gravity.

I like this step because it reminds me of how empowered I can feel when I communicate with dignity and gravity. The essence of this step is about truly being for yourself. This means that you support, value and encourage yourself, even when you are being deeply triggered by another.

When you enter into communication while being an advocate for YOUR wants, needs, thoughts, feelings and desires, the likelihood of being heard is much greater. What’s more, your message is given the value and respect that it deserves.

Communication tip: Be your own greatest advocate when communicating what’s important for you. Communicating with dignity and gravity gives a weight to the message you are sending and will be received in that way.

7. Listen for the deepest wants and desires.

When you communicate with assertiveness, it’s a two-way process. Your partner receiving the message will respond, and this gives you an opportunity to listen in a different way.

As you listen to the response, go beyond the content you are hearing and listen for the deepest wants and desires that are embedded in the message. Don’t get caught up in the details, but go deeper into the message and pick up what’s not being said.

Not only will this help you step out of your own reactivity, but it’s likely you’ll pick up on important information that is not being spoken. You can then address these wants and desires together, which promotes a greater sense of connection.

Communication tip: Move beyond the content you are hearing and tap into the deeper wants and desires of your partner. Ultimately, this is of more significance than what you are hearing.

8. Focus on ‘from now on.’

Another common pitfall couples fall into is constantly bringing up the past and rehashing it in the present. When something is unresolved, it will continue to re-surface between you. It’s nature’s way of saying that there is unfinished business requiring attention.

However, if you constantly draw on material from the past, you are unwittingly injuring each other by causing distress and hurt to your partner. Your focus on the past is getting in the way of staying in the present and moving into your future.

Communication tip: Address unfinished situations and then focus on ‘from now on’, so that you move your focus to the future and create plans for positive interactions.

9. Make clear plans and agreements.

This might seem like a no-brainer, but many couples forget to make clear plans and agreements once they have expressed themselves.

Once you have communicated with assertiveness and incorporated the steps above, it’s important that you each agree on what outcomes you would like and what you both agree to.

This is an important step, because it consolidates all the other steps and gives a concrete resolution to your communication. Without this step, it’s easily to each leave the conversation and not be sure of what was achieved.

Communication tip: Once you have communicated with assertiveness, step back and look at the big picture of what outcomes you can both agree to. Make these agreements clear and simple, so there are no doubts between you.

10. If appropriate, negotiate solutions.

Not every assertive conversation needs or should have a solution. If your communication opens up the possibility of a solution make sure there is space to discuss one.

However, many couples fall into the trap of moving to solutions too quickly, and negate the important steps of listening, understanding and validating.  Make sure you engage in these practices before negotiating possible solutions, to facilitate resolution of the issue.

Communication tip: Don’t rush to solutions, but don’t ignore them if one is needed. Focus on understanding, listening and validating, before negotiating a solution that is agreeable to both parties.

What’s your experience of communication in your relationship? Do you have any other communication tips to add to these? If so, add them in the comments section below.

© Clinton for Sydney Relationship & Couples Counselling, 2011. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Assertive Communication, Assertiveness, Communication, Communication Tips, couple communication, Healthy Relationships, Relationship Success, relationship tips

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For those of you that might not know, I was a classical musician for close to 20 years before I became a full-time relationship counsellor. I was a trumpet player and performed opera and symphonic music with Australian and international orchestras and managed to see a lot of the world on musical tours.

It was an exciting career, full of great performances, high stress and anxiety, enormous highs and sometimes big lows, but mostly it was enormously rewarding to make music with fine musicians every day of the week.

While I no longer perform, it got me thinking that there are a lot of parallels between being a musician and what’s required to create a successful relationship. Here’s what I think classical music and creating a successful relationship have in common.

They both involve listening.

The foundation of being a great musician is listening. When I was playing in the symphony orchestra, I had to listen with every cell in my body. I was listening for other sections of the music, listening for the quality and volume of the sound and then listening to my own sound and constantly adjusting and modifying to create an overall beautiful quality of sound.

Now in relationships, listening is vastly underrated and almost always under-utilised. Most people just listen in the half-baked way where you are formulating what to say while the other person is speaking. This is the I’m-waiting-to-speak approach as opposed to I’m-listening-reflecting-and-absorbing what you are saying. The question to ask yourself is: Are you truly listening or just waiting to speak?

Relationship Tip: When you work on improving your listening in any relationship you will immediately begin to reap the rewards. The other person feels heard, validated and acknowledged. What’s more, they will likely be even more interested in your perspective once they feel heard.

They both involve getting in tune.

An essential part of being a musician, but even more so for a classical musician is the skill of playing in tune. A large part of my profession was about improving my intonation, so that I could play in tune with myself and then match the pitch of other musicians I was playing with. It involved developing a finely nuanced ability to listen to my sound and then match it to the sound of others.

Now there is a nice metaphor here for relationships. An essential skill that all people need to develop in a relationship is the ability to connect and ‘tune in’ to our partners. Another word for this is attunement. If you are not sure what attunement is, watch a mother spending some quiet time with her newborn child. This attunement between mother and child is a necessity for the health and growth of the baby. It also applies to relationships that flourish.

Relationship Tip: The more you ‘tune in’ to your own wants and needs, as well as your partner’s, you are on track for creating an extraordinary relationship.

They both require team work.

Playing in a symphony orchestra taught me about team work. I had to always be in sync with my colleagues, not only in the brass section where I played, but right across the orchestra. If I had an exposed entry, I had to connect and work in tandem with the other instruments I was playing with. This often required verbal and non-verbal communication about how best to do this, and at times it wasn’t easy.

In a successful relationship you need to work as a team. The more you can communicate about your wants, needs and desires, the greater the chance you have of having them met. Remember, your partner is not a mindreader. So many couples I see expect that their partner should know what’s important to them. What’s more, when you are working as a team, you can more flexibly give and take in the relationship.

Relationship Tip: Spend time together and communicate about what’s important to you, your wants, needs and desires, so that your partner doesn’t have to guess. This then frees you both up to support each other in times of stress.

They both need to start with the end in mind.

Another essential element of being a classical music performer was being able to start with the end in mind. This was about creating a vision for the performance; a positive aural formulation of what the performance would sound like. I learned the hard way when I negatively focused on all the things that could possibly go wrong in a performance. And they usually did.

The same applies to creating a successful relationship. You need to create a relationship vision together. This is a picture of the type of relationship you aspire to and want to create together. It includes your values, dreams, hopes and aspirations for the future. It’s like having a map of the future.

We all know when we have a map it’s more likely we will get to our destination. And in the words of my ‘Divorce Busting’ colleague Michele Weiner-Davis, “When you aim at nothing, you hit it 100% of the time.”

Relationship Tip: Think about the type of relationship you want to create together. Each make a list of positive statements about the relationship you aspire to have. Then compare your lists and decide which ones you agree on. This then becomes your relationship vision.

They both require hard work.

Now I can assure you I didn’t become a professional musician overnight. I spent years and years of practicing on my own for hours a day. The old adage “you’re only as good as your last performance” was especially true, and always a motivator for practicing consistently over long periods of time. But of course the rewards were great. There was nothing as euphoric as completing a successful performance and experiencing the gratitude of a concert hall applauding all our hard work.

If there was one myth I wish I could dispel, it would be the myth that “A successful relationship should be easy.” Successful relationships are not easy. They take time, hard work, commitment and your investment of emotional energy. However, like being a classical musician, the rewards are great. For those that put in the hard work, they can appreciate all the wonderful benefits of being in a relationship where each partner is equally invested in themselves and the relationship.

Relationship Tip: Spend time with your partner, commit to communicating about any issues between you and regularly check-in with how you are both doing. Remember, like most things in life, you get back what you put in.

Do you have any relationship tips for creating a successful relationship? Add them below in the comments section.

© Clinton for Sydney Relationship & Couples Counselling, 2011. | Permalink | 6 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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With the Christmas holiday season in full swing and Christmas only days away, holiday relationship stress is often at an all-time high. This can often result in tension, conflict, the opening of old arguments and sometimes relationship breakdown.

In this short survival guide, I will give you some tips that I think will help you reduce your  Christmas and holiday relationship stress.

Accept that holidays are designed to be stressful.

By their very design, holidays can be stressful events and often the first place for stress to up show is your relationships.

In my relationship counselling practice, the lead up to December is my busiest time of the year as relationships come under strain and couples experience an increase in fighting or singles worry about spending time with their close family members. I’m often amazed at the  horror stories I hear about dysfunctional families and all the issues that are raised with the annual get-togethers.

Some other triggers for holiday relationship stress are:

• family reunions
• spending time with in-laws
• an increase in activity such as shopping and entertaining
• increases in consumption of food and alcohol
• bad traffic conditions as people leave the cities
• financial worries and concerns about providing gifts for children and loved ones
• an increase in work loads before the holidays
• an inability to slow down once holidays have begun
• a lack of structure and increased free time providing more time to worry about current problems

Accepting that holidays are times of stress can actually help you keep your reactions in perspective as well as prepare for possible problems. While this is no quick solution, it can be an effective way of preparing yourself for the inevitable stress that is coming your way. And when we are prepared, we often respond in more effective ways.

Be prepared for holiday relationship stress.

So just like the boy scout mantra, it can be very helpful to be prepared for holiday relationship stress.

What this means is give some forward thought to where you think relationship stress might arise rather than hoping for the best at the time.

Some questions to  consider might be:

• which in-laws do you not get on with?
• where and when have you experienced holiday relationship stress before?
• what are the triggers for you that cause you to feel stressed in the holidays?
• what happens in your intimate relationship that causes you stress?
• how do you respond in your relationships when you are stressed?

By considering where holiday relationship stress might show up, you can be aware before the stress arises and implement an action plan to respond differently and avoid relationship ruin. This also allow you to build contingency plans, so that you can remove yourself from situations that may inflame relationships that have been difficult in the past.

Formulate an action plan.

Once you start to identify what and where potential problems will arise, you can then formulate an action plan.

An action plan is something that you instigate when you notice your familiar stress response. You then move into action by doing something you don’t usually do. Having a different response to your relationship stress allows you to have a positive outcome.

For example, perhaps you know that in the past you have found yourself feeling irritated or angry with your in-laws on Christmas Day. You know that the holiday season, combined with spending time with extended family has the potential to repeat itself and cause you stress.

Your action plan might be take a walk and have some alone time once you recognise  the trigger of irritation with your in-laws. This space can then let you come back into the family with a refreshed attitude and less reactivity. The potential for tension and conflict with your relatives is reduced and everyone can have a pleasant holiday together.

Know that families bring out the best and the worst.

It is a myth that all families are happy. This is important to remember. Families can be a wonderful place of support, love, protection and encouragement.

On the flip side, they can also be sources of frustration, irritation, judgement, criticism, denigration and lack of support.

If you live a distance away from your family, it’s easy to forget the pull that many people experience when they spend holiday time with their family. This pull is a dynamic that you may experience as pressure to be a certain way.

Growing up in our families we relate in certain ways that become familiar and consistent over time. These roles we take on are often adaptations to help us as we navigate our way through life.

For example, if you were passive and compliant in your family growing up, your family may expect you to not speak up, object or have requests.

You may  find it very difficult to speak up or have a voice in your family, even as an adult. The ongoing challenge as an adult is differentiate yourself from your family. This requires you to continue to work on stepping out of the roles you have taken on in your family.

This pull can be a source of holiday relationship stress and one to watch out for. Use your awareness to notice these family dynamics. You may or may not be able to step out of the roles you inhabit in your family, but you can certainly choose not to react and create greater stress for yourself and your relationships.

Set clear and healthy limits in your relationships.

Setting limits for yourself and your relationships can make an enormous difference in reducing your holiday relationship stress.

In  practical terms of reducing your holiday relationship stress, you need to consider your own needs and what’s important to you for the holiday season. When you are clear about your own needs it’s easier to set limits with others. If you’re vague, unclear or ambivalent it is easy for you to find yourself in a scenario where you will experience holiday relationship stress.

You may be someone who needs some alone time or perhaps you need some relationship time with your partner. If this is the case, keep this in mind as you are negotiating with family how long you will be spending time together. If you are clear within yourself, you will find it much easier to let others know what you want and create a happy holiday outcome.

Keep your relationships in perspective.

It’s important to remember that a large part of holiday relationship stress is contextual. This means there are unique circumstances to the holiday season that are not present at other times of the year.

We often find ourselves spending time with relatives that otherwise we won’t see from year to year. These may be people that you wouldn’t choose to spend time with, however, the nature of the holidays brings you all together. Add into that mix too much eating, drinking and general partying, and it can be a volatile cocktail waiting to explode!

Bringing conflict into the open and working through differences is a strategy that is the foundation of all healthy relationships. However, due to the unique context of the holidays, the best strategy may be to not ‘rock the boat’ if you believe that the working through of the conflict may not be possible. Keeping this in perspective can help you walk away from potential conflict or disagreements.

Take time-out to refresh and recharge your relationships.

One of the best strategies for reducing holiday relationship stress is to have a plan to take time-out. Notice when you’re feeling stress and use this as an indicator that you need to remove yourself from the stressful situation to regroup.

Taking time-out can have a number of positive benefits which include:

• providing space to give you a fresh perspective on a problem
• allowing you to defuse an escalating tension or conflict with a relative
• giving you time to reduce your own relationship stress reaction
• slowing down and interrupting increasing anger or irritation with your partner
• recharging your mind and body from exhaustion and fatigue

Taking time-out is a simple, but powerful strategy for regulating your emotions. It will often help you avoid an unpleasant interaction that may be difficult to recover from and spoil your holiday time.

What do you do to reduce your holiday relationship stress?

Share with us your tips for reducing holiday relationship stress. Leave your comments in the box below.

© Clinton for Sydney Relationship & Couples Counselling, 2010. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Christmas stress, relationship guide, relationship help, Relationship Success, relationship tips

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As ‘spring has sprung’, well at least in the Southern Hemisphere, it has got me thinking about spring cleaning. For me, spring cleaning has always been an opportunity to go through all those old cupboards, drawers and wardrobes to clear out the junk, make new space and organise your contents. It’s a great feeling when you do this and your life can work so much better after a spring clean!

This got me thinking about relationships and wondering, how often do people actually consider having a ‘spring clean’ of their relationship?

So firstly, what might be the signs that your relationship needs a spring clean?

Your relationship might need a spring clean if:

• you notice that you wake in the morning and go to bed at night having only communicated about housekeeping issues throughout the day
• you are staying at work to avoid coming home and dealing with relationship problems
• you focus most your energy into your kids and their wellbeing with little left for your partner
• you avoid sex or even situations where your partner might want sex with you
• you are both stressed, tired and grumpy and fight more than enjoy each others company
• the same issues keep coming up again and again and never get resolved
• you notice you often feel critical and resentful of your partner
• the joy and happiness has gone out of your relationship and feeling irritable has become the norm

If you are relating to some of these scenarios, it may be time for a relationship spring clean.

Unlike cleaning your cupboards where you can accomplish that task on your own, a relationship spring clean will take the efforts of both of you engaged in improving the way you relate.

Tips for Having a Relationship Spring Clean:

1. Identify what areas need to improve

Start by identifying where are the problem areas, complaints or dissatisfactions that either or both of you are experiencing. Sit down and make a list so that you can begin to form a strategy for making changes.

Sometimes just the process of sitting down together and acknowledging the problem areas in your relationship can make a difference, even before you make changes. This is called the paradoxical theory of change i.e. change comes from acknowledging ‘what is’.

2. Commit to making concrete changes in your behaviour

Once you have your lists of problem areas, consider what are each of you willing to change within yourself to improve your relationship. This is a really important step because you are not asking your partner to change! You are letting your partner know what YOU are willing to change and commit to improving.

Most couples get stuck in a cycle of trying to change their partner. It is a myth that if your partner changes that you will be happy. Shift the focus to what you can stop doing and start doing instead. You may be amazed at the results. Take 100% responsibility for all your actions and reactions and see what happens to your relationship

3. Make yourselves accountable to the changes you commit to

This is where most couples fall down. They commit to making changes but have no strategies in place for making themselves accountable.

When you make your commitment for change, also include how you going to make yourself accountable. One easy way to do this is to be very clear about the changes you are making and have your partner give you feedback if you are not making those changes.

4. Regularly check in with your progress and give feedback

As part of your accountability in making relationship changes, you need to have regular check-ins to monitor progress. This is where each of you share how you think you are going with your own changes. Your partner will also give you feedback as to what changes they are noticing and how they are feeling in the relationship.

Beware! This is not an opportunity to blame, criticise or ‘dump’ on your partner because they have not met your expectations for change. Remember, this is a team effort and you want to be a cheerleader for the changes that your partner is making and visa versa.

5. Seek the services of a professional relationship counsellor

Sometimes in a relationship, blame, criticism or defensiveness has become so ingrained that it is not possible to use these behavioural strategies to initiate change.

It is then that it is important to reach out for professional help to guide you through identifying the negative patterns and creating positive patterns. Asking for professional support is not a sign of defeat or weakness, but rather an acknowledgement of how much you care about the relationship and each other. You are putting your relationship first by learning the tools to make it even better.

6. Make your relationship spring clean an annual ritual

We all go to the dentist, doctor and have our cars serviced regularly. Why not have a relationship spring clean on an annual basis? Establishing such rituals can only make your relationship stronger and more robust. You are also attending to each other with the care and respect that brought you together at the beginning.

A relationship spring clean is an opportunity to clear out the dirt and dust and bring in light, love and a fresh approach to how you relate.

I’d love to hear about any relationship spring cleaning ideas you have that you would like to do on an annual basis. Please leave your comments below.

© Clinton for Sydney Relationship & Couples Counselling, 2010. | Permalink | 4 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: couples communication, good relating, healthy relationship, relationship help, Relationship Success, relationship tips

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