I am  amazed at how many couples I now see that report to me that their relationship commenced online. It seems that what was once an unusual occurrence is now becoming the norm. Many people prefer the convenience of perusing online profiles rather than standing in noisy bars and clubs to meet potential partners.

I have seen many couples that have created a great relationship from meeting their partner online. And I have also seen many singles that find online dating is a merry-go-round of disappointing connections and dates that go nowhere.  I have devoted this post to providing information that may assist you in navigating some of the pitfalls of love in the online world.

1. Have a Profile That Reflects Who You Are and What You Stand For

One of the biggest time wasters online is having a profile that is vague, old or downright dishonest. We have all heard of scenarios where people use photos from 10 years ago or describe themselves in a way other than they are. Dishonesty will probably always be a part of the online world, however, you can take a stand for who you are and what you believe.

Think of your profile as a relationship business card. You will attract what you put out there, so think clearly about what you are looking for and be honest and upfront. It is much more likely that you will attract people that are looking for the same thing.

2. Fast Connections Don’t Have to Mean Fast Relationships

Frequently I see couples that speed into a relationship with one another without taking the time to get to know each other. We now live in a fast-paced world where anything we want or need is at our fingertips and available on the internet. However, no matter how excited, passionate or ‘in love’ you feel about a new relationship, it does take time to get to know a person.

The other pattern I see is when a person becomes a serial dater. By this I mean they become adept at connecting online and dating many people, however, they never get past a second or third date because they lose interest. This fast food love is exactly that; they get a ‘quick fix’ from the initial excitement of meeting someone new, and then quickly move on when there is the possibility of going deeper. If this is you, you may want to consider what are your blocks to getting to know someone a little deeper, and perhaps even experiencing emotional intimacy.

3. Take Time to Reveal and Discover

Take your time to reveal yourself and to let your new date reveal themselves. Part of the joy of a new relationship is the gradual deepening and getting to know your partner. When this process is rushed or big commitments are made early on, you have not had the time to invest in building a solid foundation for your relationship to rest upon. I am reminded of the phrase; ‘don’t push the river, it flows by itself.’

Relationships have a life of their own and it is important to respect the natural pace and unfolding that is needed to create a strong and secure relationship. When you take this approach to your new relationship, you are less likely to regret rash decisions and you can then relax and enjoy this lovely time of your relationship.

4. Be Clear, Respectful and Honest in Your Communications

As I have written in another post about ending relationships online, it is vital that you communicate with others as you would like them to communicate with you. Unfortunately, the relative anonymity of the web and the convenience of not having to communicate face-to-face has meant that many people now start and end relationships online with little consideration for the feelings of the other.

If you are clear, respectful and honest in all your interactions with your online dates, you will not only avoid possible relationship breakdown, but will also be encouraging others to do the same. As a rule of thumb, if you imagine you would be comfortable saying what you are typing face-to-face, then there is a good chance that the communication is respectful.

5. Stay Connected to the Real World

As amazing as the internet has become for connecting with others and facilitating new relationships, don’t forget to stay connected with your world outside of the internet.

It is easy to immerse yourself in reading dating profiles for hours and hours and perhaps not even meeting anyone, or feeling too nervous to set up that first date. Try to avoid endless messaging back and forth by asking to meet in-person in a public place that is safe and secure, so that you can get a good sense of the person in the real world.

Also, be careful not to neglect your real-world friends and family. Work to strike a balance between online interactions and spending relaxing and enjoyable times with those that you care about. The more that you can be present with those offline, will only enhance your overall happiness and life satisfaction.

I would love to hear about any tips that you have found helpful in the world of online dating. Please add your comments in the box below.

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More and more we are hearing in the media about relationship problems that involve Facebook. In particular, it seems it is the end of a relationship where interactions can deteriorate on Facebook.

In my clinical practice I am hearing about behaviours such as jealousy, spying, cyber-stalking, public shaming, open hostility and conflict being displayed on Facebook when a relationship ends.

The beginning and ending of  relationships are often announced on Facebook. What was once in the personal domain is now becoming public. Information that once belonged to a family or a small community is now aired for anyone on the web to access.

The world of the web 2.0 is now facilitating behaviours in relationships that were previously not possible. Open networks such as Twitter and Facebook mean that it is now possible to follow and spy on your partner’s conversations, connections and monitor the activities of others.

While these behaviours are not engaged in by everyone, there are those that are more prone to jealousy and insecurity that will be tempted to monitor others.

Unhealthy behaviours that can occur at the end of a relationship on Facebook:

• spying or monitoring the interactions of your  ex-partner
• accessing your ex-partner’s account without their knowledge
• using a friend’s profile to monitor your ex-partner’s activities
• writing public posts insulting ex-partners
• publicly shaming an ex-partner in your feed
• sharing inappropriate content about an ex-partner
• aggressively attacking an ex-partner in a public post

If you engage in any of the above behaviours, you may be at risk of damaging your past, present and future relationships, as well as your professional career.

What many people forget is that once a status update has been made, it is in the public domain and out of your control. There is now evidence that even if a post is deleted, that it is never deleted from the Facebook servers that constantly back-up all content.

Tips for navigating the end of a relationship on Facebook:

DO NOT END A RELATIONSHIP VIA A STATUS UPDATE

It may seem like the easy way out of a relationship, however, ending a relationship on Facebook is disrespectful and damaging to both parties. It is important to develop the skill of differentiation. This is the ability to regulate your own emotions in the face of anxiety, stress and emotional intensity. This is an important skill that couples need to develop to sustain long-term relationships.

I suggest you begin to develop your ‘differentiation muscle’ by ending relationships face-to-face. You will be conducting yourself with dignity as well as developing a crucial relationship skill.

AVOID DEFAMATORY REMARKS ABOUT AN EX-PARTNER

As I mentioned in a previous post on relationship break-down, imagine that whatever you write on Facebook has the potential to never go away. This means that even when you apply for that new job in 5 or 10 years, defamatory remarks can potentially be accessed by any future employer who searches for you. Once you put this on Facebook you have no control over the content, what happens to it and who may see it.

If you are feeling angry about the end of your relationship, seek solace with family, friends or the support of a professional relationship counsellor.

DO NOT SPY ON YOUR EX-PARTNER

Unfortunately, one of the downsides of Facebook is that it is very easy to spy and monitor others. Consider what will be the benefits of spying on your ex. Generally there are none.

Spying on ex-partners will often deepen the hurt you feel about the end of the relationship. It also means you are not helping the closure that is needed at the end of a relationship. In the end, it means you are often distressing and hurting yourself more than anyone else.

Think about how you can end the relationship with poise and dignity and allow yourself the time you need to heal and recover.

AVOID ENGAGING IN PUBLIC SHAMING AND CONFLICT

Again, there are no positive outcomes from publicly fighting or shaming your ex via Facebook. Often the outcome is that you are looked upon more poorly by your friends as someone that is vindictive and spiteful. In airing your ‘dirty laundry’, you have turned a personal and private difficulty into a very public issue that may have the potential to come back and affect your reputation at another time.

Address your ex directly if you have an outstanding issue that needs to be resolved. If you are unable to do that, turn to your friends and family for support in coming to a closure that is workable for you.

CONDUCT THE END OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT

When a relationship ends, it is a painful time for both partners. It is often a huge loss and a time of deep personal hurts. It may be tempting to lash out and re-direct your hurt about your ex on Facebook. I encourage you to resist the temptation and to conduct yourself with dignity and respect.

While there may be a short term gain of feeling better about lashing out at your ex, in the end you are disrespecting yourself. You also have the potential to harm your own reputation with your friends, your workplace and within your community.

I am interested in hearing about your experiences of Facebook in regard to the ending of a relationship. Please post your comments in the box below.

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One of the patterns I have noticed in the couples I have been working with lately is that they engage in ‘relationship exits’.

A relationship exit can be described as when one partner acts out their feelings instead of communicating about what is happening for them in a way that is respectful and promotes connection rather than disconnection. Any behaviour that has you reducing your involvement in the relationship is as an exit.

It can be valuable to identify what are the exits you use in your relationship to avoid connection, communication and intimacy. Once you identify these exits, you can then increase the energy and intimacy in your relationship by communicating your thoughts and feelings, rather than avoiding your partner by engaging in activities or behaviours that are more pleasurable for you to do.

Which Relationship Exits Do You Use?

• working long hours and weekends
• staying on the computer for extended periods of time
• watching TV
• cleaning the house or car
• hanging out with friends
• over-eating
• spending too much time on your iPhone/smartphone
• sleeping more than is needed
• playing sports
• immersing yourself in internet pornography
• constant playing of computer games
• focusing on the children

Of course, not all exits are a problem and many are a functional and necessary part of life. Ask yourself the question, ‘do I use these behaviours to avoid my partner and the relationship?’

Often relationship exits come about because one or both partners struggle with the skill of differentiation. This is the ability to ‘hold onto yourself’ in the face of conflict, disagreement or feelings of fear and anxiety. It is an essential skill that needs to be developed in couples, so they can manage their own emotions, even when their partner cannot.

A relationship exit is often a way of avoiding differentiation. It is a short term solution for a longer term problem. As long as a couple avoids differentiation and the working through of issues, the relationship cannot grow and move forward.

Relationship Experiment:

1. Each create a list of all the exits that you use to avoid your relationship and then consider which ones you are willing to modify and which ones you will find difficult.
2. Share your list with your partner and discuss how these relationship exits affect each other.
3. Negotiate with each other which behaviours you are willing to modify.
4. Check in with each other after 2 weeks to give feedback as to how the other has gone with closing their relationship exits.
5. Keep each other accountable and give feedback when you notice your partner, or yourself, engaging in relationship exits.

What other relationship exits are you aware of? Please add your thoughts in the comments box below.

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Post tags: couple communication, couple success, relationship exits, relationship experiment, relationship help, relationship intimacy

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Some new research reported in the New York Times suggests that couples that engage in more touch report higher levels of relationship satisfaction.

This might sound like common sense, but it is also a good reminder of what helps sustain successful relationships.

Although it is hard to know what came first for these couples, the relationship satisfaction or the touch, it is clear that there is a link between the two, and that touch is a powerful tool for building relationships.

“Touch is a basic human need. It is the first language we learn and throughout our lives it remains our richest form of expression.” Dacher Keltner¹

Think about how much touch babies experience from the time they are born and it is not hard to understand why touch may be so important and powerful for us. Babies that are neglected or receive less touch do not thrive. We also know that a baby that is not touched will die, even if it is given the required nutrients to grow.

One of the reasons that touch is so powerful is that it can communicate a wider range of emotion than words or gestures. And it communicates it much faster.

Think about the last time you felt a supportive hand on your shoulder, or a long hug with your partner. Or perhaps you have had the experience of feeling a lingering touch on your arm or hand, and you knew on some level it just didn’t feel right.

All these experiences of touch are communicating very different messages directly and succinctly.

Your brain has interpreted their meaning and intention within a split second. You know if you are safe, in danger or need to protect yourself.

This has got me thinking about the power of touch in relationships. Many couples I see report that they are feeling disconnected from their partner and that they feel like they are drifting apart. When I inquire about touch, I am not surprised to hear that their relationship has entered a barren desert of little or no touch.

I think touch is an essential part of a satisfying relationship. If you are finding that you are missing touch in your relationship, consider some of the following suggestions where you can increase the levels of touch in your relationship.

8 ways to increase touch in your relationship:

• Holding hands when you are watching television or walking outside.
• Stroking your partner’s head or neck when they are sitting at their desk.
• Taking 5-10 minutes to engage in non-sexual massage each night before you go to sleep.
• Holding or spooning each other in bed while being still.
• Hugging your partner before you leave for work for a minimum of 20 seconds.
• Rubbing your partner’s feet with warm oil or moisturiser while relaxing on the sofa.
• Giving your partner a neck massage when they are feeling tired or stressed.
• Laying in bed facing each other and caressing each others face and body.

Do you engage in these forms of touch with your partner? You may be aware that some of this type of touch is absent from your relationship.

Consider what happens that stops you from touching your partner. What are the blocks or difficulties you have with touch? What did you learn about touch from your family and previous relationships?

Often the messages we picked up in our families, spoken and unspoken, have had a powerful effect on our values and beliefs around touch.

If you know that you have difficulty with some forms of touch, talk to your partner about this. Together you can discuss what you both need and how you can support each other in creating a relationship vision with the type of touch that you want from each other.

I’m interested to hear what forms of touch are important for you in your relationship. You can share your experience and thoughts by writing in the comments box below.

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Post tags: Couples Therapy, Relationship Needs, Relationship Research, Relationship Success, Touch

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Time and time again in my clinical practice, I am coming across clients who report relationship breakdown because of problems in communication related to social media and the web 2.0.

Web 2.0 refers to the new era of the internet where we have moved from static websites that people visit to an interactive social web where people form online communities and share information and resources. These include Facebook, Twitter and other social media websites.

It seems that relationships sometimes begin and end via the 160 characters of a text message or tweet. Jealousy, anger, hurt and resentment are easily evoked in relationships facilitated by social media.

I have compiled a list of tips so that you can better navigate your relationships in the age of web 2.0 and avoid relationship breakdown. One thing I know for sure, the internet is not going away and if anything, it will be increasing in size and influence.

1. AVOID SENDING EMOTIONALLY LOADED MESSAGES

One of the challenges of reading messages without knowing the emotional tone is that your brain automatically reads the message through it’s own emotional filters. As a result, you sometimes ‘project’ emotion on to a message that may or may not be accurate.

If you are aware that you are having an issue with your friend, partner or family member, avoid putting this issue in writing and then posting it online. I encourage clients that if there is a vexed issue that they are struggling with, aim to meet the person in vivo.

Some studies suggest that up to 93% of communication is non-verbal. So if you are sending an emotional message with a limit of 140-160 characters, this increases the chances of misunderstandings.

2. COMMUNICATE AS IF THE WHOLE WORLD WILL READ YOUR MESSAGE

When you write a post, tweet or status update, imagine that whatever you write will be written on your forehead for the whole world to see. While this might seem a little dramatic, it will help give you a sense of how potentially dangerous what you write online can be to your reputation and relationships.

In the world of web 2.0, there is little privacy and it seems to be reducing more and more. When you take responsibility for what you put online, you can sleep at night knowing that nothing can come back to bite you or your reputation in the future.

3. DON’T AIR YOUR DIRTY LAUNDRY IN PUBLIC

We have all seen those Facebook posts of someone who has written a gripe about their girlfriend/boyfriend, boss or work colleague, forgetting they are ‘friends’ with this person and they too can read the gripe. While it makes for a humorous story, the reality is this is all too common and very painful for all parties involved.

If you have an issue with someone, address it directly with that person, preferably in person, but at least on the phone. Sitting down in front of a person and bringing up the issue or conflict will automatically increase the chances of you working through the disagreement. For one, you have much more non-verbal information on what is happening for the other.  Also, the brain produces oxcytocin when you are in close contact with another person. The hormone acts as a neurotransmitter, reducing the stress hormone cortisol, which facilitates bonding.

I encourage partners in conflict to sit opposite each other, almost with their knees touching, to aid in the production of oxytocin as they work through an issue.

Voicing your displeasure or issue on the web will generally inflame the issue. Often this results in both parties cutting off of all communication and relationship breakdown. This makes the possibility of resolution extremely difficult.

4. BEGIN AND END RELATIONSHIPS IN THE REAL WORLD

So many relationships begin and end on social networking sites and involve assumptions, miscommunication and numerous misunderstandings. It can be beneficial to have a rule that you only begin and end relationships in person.

One of the downsides of connecting predominantly online and not in the real world, is that you can lose the skill of dealing with your anxieties when communicating about difficult issues. When you begin and end relationships in the real world, you are developing the skill of differentiation. This means the ability to ‘hold on to yourself’ in the face of another person’s expression of emotion. This is a valuable skill that all people need to develop to be able to have long-lasting relationships.

5. SET GROUND RULES WITH YOUR PARTNER

A recent study of college students showed that jealousy is rampant in the world of Facebook and romantic relationships. Accessibility of information makes it possible for people to monitor each other and the lack of context means that misunderstandings leading to jealousy are frequent.

I encourage couples to discuss the ground rules for sites such as Facebook. You may want to discuss length of time spent on the site, whether access to the your partner’s profile is allowed and how you want to navigate the ‘friending’ of ex-partners.

Social media is an incredible tool for strengthening and building relationships. Unfortunately it can also play a role in the breakdown of relationships. Remember, if in doubt, err on the side of caution. Don’t tweet or post if you think there may be repercussions and preference talking face-to-face to facilitate healthy communication.

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MYTH # 6: MY CHILDHOOD WON’T AFFECT MY RELATIONSHIP

Some people believe that whatever kind of childhood they had, it has no bearing on the relationships they form in adulthood.

Nothing could be further from the truth. It is impossible to not bring the influences of your childhood into your relationship. It is in childhood that we develop a ‘blueprint’ for relating. We learn and internalise what we perceive love is and how it is expressed. This then plays out in our adult relationships.

If you find you keep repeating the same relationship mistakes over and over again, you may benefit from working with a trained counsellor to understand what your blueprint is and how it gets in the way of you forming a loving a respectful relationship.

MYTH # 7: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP MEANS WE HAVE NO UNRESOLVED ISSUES

Interestingly, research says that over 80% of all issues that couples have never get resolved. When you consider this statistic, it puts into perspective all the time and energy you may have put into trying to resolve issues that never shift. You may also recognise that you have expended a lot of energy trying to change your partner!

Often, I think the question is not how you deal with difference, but what are your differences in dealing. When you look at how you go about working with differences in your relationship, then new possibilities for change and relating can emerge.

MYTH # 8:  SEX HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH A GOOD RELATIONSHIP

Sex has everything to do with a good relationship!

I think of sex as the melting pot of all the relationship issues. If you are distancing from each other, living parallel lives and working or raising kids with no time to invest in the relationship, it makes sense that the last thing you would want is to connect sexually.

If you struggle to be open and vulnerable with your partner and express your needs and longings, then it is very unlikely that you will be open and vulnerable in sex.

Have a look at what is happening between you in the way you connect and relate and then see how that connects to your sexual life. It may be an illuminating experience.

MYTH # 9:  THE RELATIONSHIP WON’T IMPROVE UNTIL MY PARTNER DOES

Most couples come into couples therapy thinking that it is their partner that is the problem and that the partner needs to change. This attitude will keep you stuck and unable to improve or deepen your relationship in any way.

Rather than focusing on your partner, think about how can you change. What do you aspire to be at the worst of times, or when you are not feeling your best? How do you want to be in the face of your partner not being his or her best?

A principle of systems theory is that when one element in a system changes, the whole system is affected. This means when you change yourself, the relationship changes.

MYTH # 10:  MY PARTNER SHOULD LOVE ME UNCONDITIONALLY AT ALL TIMES

Again, I think this myth is related to the symbiotic nature of romantic love. Just like a baby who bonds with it’s mother and feels as one, we sometimes think that one person should be everything for us and meet all our needs.

In the distant past, we had a whole village of people to connect with and meet our needs. Often today we expect one person to meet all our needs and love us and accept us unconditionally.

When you are aware of this belief, ask yourself, what do I need to give myself? How can I love myself more in this moment? What other relationships in my life can I go to and have this need met?

WHAT MYTHS ARE YOU AWARE OF?

I hope you have found the top 10 relationship myths helpful in clarifying some of the negative beliefs that we are taught or internalise as we develop in our lives. These are the most common myths that I encounter in my clinical practice and are by no means the only ones.

Please let me know if you are aware of other myths that you have heard or struggle with by adding them in the comments section below. I look forward to reading your feedback.

Visit my Top 10 Relationship Myths of All Time post if you missed the first 5 relationship myths.

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In my last post I wrote about developing a relationship vision, either with your partner, or if you are single, developing a vision of the type of relationship you would like to create in the future. The benefits of this are that you can become clearer about what your personal goals are, and together you can form relationship goals that you create, revise and renew within your partnership.

In this post, I am writing about core relationship needs. I will explain  how you can identify your own core needs and align them with your relationship vision.

Dr Phil McGraw in his book Relationship Rescue identifies core needs under five categories. These categories of needs are emotional, physical, spiritual, social and security.

1. Emotional

Emotional needs include the need to feel loved, valued and a part of your partner’s life. They are about the need to be respected, special and accepted by your partner with all your flaws.

2. Physical

Physical needs include touching, caressing, hugging and holding. They also include non-verbal communication that lets you know that you are being loved and cared for. The need for a rewarding sexual life is also important and to be considered under physical needs.

3. Spiritual

This is about support and respect for your spiritual values and beliefs. This includes the need for a shared spiritual life, even if you have different spiritual beliefs.

4. Social

These needs are about calls, notes, letters or emails that acknowledge your relationship and the care and love you feel for one another. It also includes social activities with the need for appropriate tenderness, support and attention from your partner when you are in public. Sharing joy and laughter with your partner is another important social need.

5. Security

These needs are about feeling confident, support, loyalty and commitment from your partner. It is about the relationship not being at risk, even when you have disagreements. You feel confident that your partner is there for you in times of conflict with others. And you know that your partner is always a soft place for you to fall on.

Exercise

As an exercise, I encourage you to begin to get in touch with your core needs. Take a pen and paper and write down your needs under each of these categories. Don’t miss anything out. Write in a completely uncensored way, knowing that no one will ever read this.

What needs are you discovering? Which ones need to be included in your relationship vision?

Fear

Often what keeps you from meeting these needs is fear.  You may fear risking being vulnerable, feeling inadequate, rejection, abandonment or disappointing your partner.

Write down another category of fear. List all your fears that get in the way of you having your core needs met.

Once you have completed this, you now have a list of areas that are your growing edges for personal growth. Whether you are single or have a partner, you will be clearer about what you need in a relationship and what gets in the way of having your needs met. As part of your relationship vision, you are developing clearer goals that you and your partner can head towards. This can give your relationship purpose and meaning.

Your next task is to see if your core relationship needs are in alignment with your relationship vision. If so, great! You are heading in the right direction to have your needs met. If not, consider what needs to change in your relationship vision, so that you can incorporate the needs that are essential for you. Once you bring your core needs and vision into alignment, you are on the path to creating an amazing relationship.

Send me your feedback about how you find this exercise. I love to hear about your struggles or success stories. Click on the comments tab below to leave me your feedback.

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After a week of incredible dust storms in Sydney and the problems we all had with our vision (and breathing!), it got me thinking about the difficulties we sometimes have with our vision in relationships. In my relationship counselling work with singles and couples, I often hear statements such as, “I just fell into this relationship and found out after 4 months we are not working” or, “He/she is not the person I thought they were and I want out” or,  “I keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again and don’t seem to be able to find the right partner”. Another common statement is “I’m just not satisfied where my relationship is going and it feels like we are drifting apart.” If any of these statements ring true, then developing a relationship vision can help you.

Let me take you on a journey. If you have a partner, I want you to imagine you and your partner in your ideal relationship in 1 year from now. What are you doing? How are you being with each other? What is your relationship like? I then want you to consider your relationship in 5 years from now. How do you deal with stress as a couple? How do you work through differences and conflict? How do you communicate when you are both not at your best? Now if you are beginning to get a sense of what might be happening in your relationship and how you ideally are with each other, then you are beginning to create a relationship vision.

If you are single, I encourage you to do the same exercise, however, think about the type of partner you wish to be with and what type of relationship you want to create with someone. Now I am not talking about what colour eyes, type of car, or how much income your potential future partner will have. What I am referring to is the values that you feel strongly about and you would like to share with your partner. For example, what values do you have around respect, communication and affection? You may place an importance on listening to each other when you experience conflict. You may value saying hello and goodbye with a gesture of affection. And no matter how hard or bad things get between you, you always want to be treated respectfully.

Becoming clearer about what you want to create with your partner  can help you engage in your relationship with more direction and focus. For singles it can mean that when you begin a new relationship, you are going in with your eyes wide open. You will be clear within yourself about what you are looking for and what is important to you. It’s like being in a boat at sea at night and seeing a lighthouse in the distance. The lighthouse tells you where to sail when you see it’s light. Think of your relationship like that boat. Without direction and a long term vision, you may not end up going anywhere fast. And the worst case scenario is you may hit the rocks.

Relationship visioning can help you and your partner  define your relationship goals and then move towards them.  I encourage my clients to write down 5 personal goals, 5 professional/work goals and 5 relationship goals. Do this for 1 year from now, 5 years from now and even further if you wish. I suggest that you do this in isolation to begin with and then share them with each other once you have completed your goals. You might be surprised to learn about your partner’s vision! The next step is finding a way you can bring your separate visions together and begin to work on the goals that are important for each of you.

In my next post I will be writing about core needs and negotiable needs and how you navigate these with your partner to create a stronger and healthier relationship. Let me know how you find the process of relationship visioning and leave your comments below. I would love to read your feedback. Happy visioning!

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It’s hard not to read a paper, watch the news or look at your portfolio without feeling depressed about the current economy. I have been wondering how the current economic climate is impacting relationships. How is your relationship faring in this economic downturn? Of course, many individuals are suffering financially and it is inevitable that this will place stress on families and relationships.

However, I think this recession is a gift wrapped in dirty paper. You don’t have to have a relationship recession! What I mean by that is that there are always opportunities in tough times, and the opportunity here is to come back to forming and maintaining loving, healthy and life affirming relationships. The great thing about relationships is they don’t cost anything! At this time there are even more reasons to head out and connect with the people you care about.

Maybe ‘date night’ with your partner will start with dinner at home and then you go out for a glass of wine to a vibrant wine bar or cafe to soak up the atmosphere. Perhaps you will have a coffee with your friend, instead of spending an afternoon shopping for clothes. For a small amount of money,  you get to enjoy the wonderful company of your friend and catch up on all the news, without the stress of thinking how much is this long lunch costing me? And have you ever been at a restaurant with a large group of friends when you only have an entree and drink mineral water, and then at the end of the evening you split the bill for everyone’s 3 courses and numerous bottles of wine? Yes, we’ve all been there and it hurts! Instead, have your friends over for dinner and each bring a plate of food and a bottle. It’s really about the company, and who can beat your own warm dining room, ambient music and no wait staff tapping their fingers and waiting for you to leave the restaurant!

While all the news in the economy might be about scarcity, I want you to think of your relationships with an attitude of abundance! The challenge of this time is to focus on listening, sharing and connecting, so that you can create relationships that have greater meaning to you. Think about how you can invest more in your relationships. Consider all the ways you can appreciate and enjoy the company of those you love and care for. Remember, when you invest in your relationships, the dividends are always high.

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Have you thought much about what makes some relationships work and others fail? I have been interested in this question, through working with individuals and couples with relationship issues over many years. I am always interested in what helps some couples have loving, respectful and successful relationships and others experience constant pain and heartache.

Dr John Gottman, professor of psychology at the University of Washington has researched couples for close to 40 years. Dr. Gottman has developed a methodolgy that predicts with 90% percent accuracy which newlywed couples will remain married and which will divorce four to six years later. This research also applies to same-sex couples.

One of the important aspects of this research has been noting the behaviours of successful couples. Dr Gottman has concluded that individuals in relationships are constantly making emotional bids for connection with one another. He has noticed that couples that ‘turn towards’ one another in everyday interactions report higher relationship satisfaction and are less likely to separate. Couples that ‘turn away’ or ‘turn against’ are much less happy in their relationships and less likely to stay together.

You might be asking, ‘what does turning towards, away and against mean?’ Here is a simple example to help you understand this. Let’s say if your partner shares something about their day with you i.e. they are making a bid for connection, and you respond with interest, then you are ‘turning towards’. Lets take the same scenario at a different time and you don’t respond, ignore or walk away, then you are ‘turning away’. Perhaps another time, you think your partner is interrupting you and you respond angrily, then you are ‘turning against’

I think the really important aspect of this research, is that it shows how the simple everyday experiences, exchanges and interactions with our partners can make a significant difference to the longevity and satisfaction of any relationship.

This theory can also be transferred to relationships in the workplace, with friends and family. You might want to begin to notice how you are interacting with the significant people in your life. How are you responding to others’ bids for emotional connection? How do you interact with the bids for connection that are made towards you by colleagues at work? What bids for connection do you make with the important people in your life? Do you turn towards, turn away or turn against?

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Post tags: predicting divorce, Relationship Success, turn against, turn away, turn towards

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